rambling rosemarie

I have been a vocal opponent about taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications for years now. For years I have been called ignorant, unaware, unkind, and by those who are more civil, just plain wrong. I come by my opinion honestly. I hail from a long line of people who suffer with depression and anxiety, not to mention alcoholism and addictive personalities. Yeah, I come from a long line of crazy people. But I am not ignorant nor am I unkind. And apparently, I am not the only one out there questioning the value of medicating ourselves into happiness. I was surprised to hear Paulina Porizkova talk about her decision to stop taking anti-anxiety meds. I have off the chart anxiety over the strangest things. Each time I let my dogs out I am afraid there is a wild animal or predatory bird that is going to swoop down upon them and take them away from me. I can hear their cries of pain in my mind and my heart drops a few beats before taking off on a wild rampage within my ches...

In a few short days I will be returning to the place I first launched into adulthood. I dread the journey though I am fairly certain the anticipation of being there is going to be worse than actually being there. At least, I hope it will be. You see, I am a bible believing, saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ alone Christian now. I only briefly toyed at being one when I lived in the town I am returning to. Without understanding the gospel and having a theological clue, the best that you can do is play at being a Christian. I have a lot of history back there that is painful to remember. I am not that young stupid woman any more and I am not anxious to be reminded of stories about what I did when I was. There are things I did, choices I made in the moments of what I had mistaken for passion or principle and now know were nothing more than drunken self-indulgence and hubris, that I regret. I am ashamed of them. Deeply ashamed. I don't want to see people who are expec...

As a counselor I have determined that when God puts me in a position to teach on a subject it's a sure bet that the topic is going to be an area I most need some soul work. I have been studying fear and anxiety for the past several weeks and it has been invaluable to me, both in equipping me as a counselor and equipping me for life. You cannot study anxiety and fear without studying their remedy, grace. God's cleansing grace found only in Jesus' atoning sacrifice. The grace extended to believers on a moment by moment basis is the balm for our souls but we too often don't recognize it. We think deliverance from fear and anxiety should look like deliverance from trial and suffering and dark things that bump our souls. "It is good to understand that Christ's service never did secure a man from all the ills that flesh is heir to and never will. If you are a believer, you must reckon on having your share of sickness and pain, of sorrow and tears, of losses an...

Last night I threw myself into a tizzy because of a couple of words spoken to me. They were delivered in a nonchalant manner and were benign, but because they fell into my heart where fear resides, they became bigger than life. The more I thought about them in an unbiblical fashion, the more they grew and caused me grief. After talking to a dear friend, I gave myself a time out and went to bed. Today I feel sheepish for having reacted in panic. My focus is no longer obscured by fear and doubt. Much of our lives we spend hanging on a word. Words have the power to heal, discourage, empower, humble, belittle, strengthen and wound. Whoever said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words shall never hurt me" was living on another planet. Words are important. Words are as dangerous as fists. They can lead us straight into hell itself. Words can protect us from harm and help us keep our wits about us when our world is falling apart. The bible has a lot to say about words:...

I saw a program on the National Geographic channel called Dogs with Jobs. In this particular episode, a dog that was being trained for an elite defense team in Austria was being tested to see if she would make the grade. She was a young Belgian Shepard who obviously loved her work. She watched her master's every signal and command and obeyed him, doing all he asked with all she had. She located bad guys who were hiding, disarmed one gunman and cornered another. She scaled walls and crawled on her belly under barbed wire. All of these things were perfectly executed but her final test would be the deciding factor. She and her master went up in a helicopter- way up-and parachuted out together. The dog and her master were clipped to an expert skydiver, whose job it was to guide them to the earth as if they were going in on a mission. If the dog balked, became disoriented, sick or frightened, she would be disqualified. The dog so trusted her master that she didn't seem to notice ...

I am an adrenaline junkie. I have been described by people who thought they knew me as "fearless." Truth be told, I have always enjoyed a smidgen of fear to make my heart race and senses tingle. I think that's why I enjoyed my public safety career. I like earthquakes and thunderstorms and am at my best in a crisis. Joseph Wambaugh nailed it when he said police work was "hours of boredom punctuated by moments of sheer terror." I couldn't agree more, public safety is like that. Some fear is addictive. I like anticipatory fear. The best part of riding a roller coaster is that long, slow, why-in-the-world-did-I-think-this-was-a-good-idea climb to the apex of the ride with that teeny tiny bit of time you are suspended just before you fall. Yowza! I have had the great pleasure of swimming on the Great Barrier Reef. To say that it was incredible is an understatement. The colors, the beauty, the wildlife, it was all breathtaking. And then the person heading ou...