rambling rosemarie

My dog, The Bodacious Miss Maria Consuelo Thibodeaux Jones, is equal parts abject fear and Polyanna optimism. She's sitting at my feet right now hoping to eat the crumbs from my table. I am devouring some chicken while I sit and type. Admittedly, she stands a good chance of walking away with a full belly as typing and chicken eating are not the best combination of things with which to hone your multi-tasking skills. She has been sitting quietly as I read my normal blogs and news feeds. She doesn't mind at all when I yell that the computer. Even when I pound my desk yell things like, "Aw, come on! Nobody is that stupid!" she pretends not to notice. However, don't take a load of clothes out of the dryer or hold some mail in your hand and expect her to get within 10 feet of you. Before you ask, no she was never beaten with clean clothes and I have never tortured her with mail. She's just goofy. She has her idiosyncratic behaviors and for the most part they ...

My rheumatologist is a genuinely funny man. Hes decided to scrap the drug therapies we were trying to go in an entirely different route. He knows I don't like taking drugs so when I asked him, "And what are the potential side effects to this drug vs. the potential benefits?" He was ready. After a long pause and with a pensive look on his face he said; "Side effects? You mean besides the third leg you'll sprout and the way your skin turns green? Nothing that wouldn't seem normal to you. You *are* from California, right? Yeah anything that happens shouldn't alarm you." His theory is that my pain isn't caused as much by my arthritis as it is by nerve damage that decades of untreated pernicious anemia has caused. He wants to try a drug that works by d isrupting my neurons abilities to deliver pain messages. I am becoming so sedentary I am willing to try anything that will get me back into life. Less pain? I am in. Let the disruption begin! Th...

I burned my breakfast this morning. I make the same thing with some minor variations every morning. I saute sliced zucchini, asparagus, mushrooms or whatever veggies I may have on hand and then make a one egg and three egg white omelet. I slice some avocado, sprinkle some sharp cheddar cheese, dash some Frank's hot sauce on the top and finish it with a dollop of sour cream. Often I will add some fresh fruit to the plate and then I feast. For years I skipped breakfast. Then I read that skipping meals can make your body think it is starving, thus it holds on to every ounce of fat reserve so it can outlast the famine. Like I need its help in maintaining fat. Me, who can draw calories from the aroma of food cooking. I did my research and I began eating just a little something. In all honesty I felt better through the day. Then I was given medication to take in the morning with instructions to take it after eating a meal. Now I eat a huge breakfast. Between eating well and the new...

There are few burdens more difficult to carry than the weight of harsh words on a weary soul. Perhaps the only thing harder to do is laying that burden down once you have received it. You cannot unhear words any more than you can unspeak them. Harsh words echo in your heart and reverberate in your soul for what seems like forever. If the right word spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver, unkind words are like spent plutonium rods embedded in your brain. I imagine you could be reading what I just wrote and thinking that someone had said something unkind to me. It would be a logical conclusion. It's not the things I have been told that cause my pensive reflection upon the gravity of words. It's remembering some of the things I have said. My tongue is sharp. There have been times I have taken a measure of pride in being able to deliver an insult that would cut the recipient to the bone but take them several moments to realize they had been wounded. I have repente...

My dogs do not like the rain. When the grass is wet they have no desire in the world to go outside. So on this gray and rainy day, one of my favorite combinations in the whole world by the way, imagine my surprise when the doggies I normally force to go outside in the wet weather were gone a full 15 minutes. They have a wireless fence and respect the warning sound they get before the buzz to check their forward motion kicks in. Usually vocal about wanting to come in, I assumed they were sitting on the porch waiting for me to get around to letting opening the door. Then, being an anxiety ridden clown, I began to panic thinking that they had escaped the fence and were out on the highway about to be run over. As dramatic as that sounds I live at the end of a cul-de-sac with nothing but vacant lots past my house. Not a lot of traffic there, you know? So, telling myself they were alright, I went to the door and called them. I heard nothing in response. It is never a good thing when ...

Suddenly I find myself worthless. I was pretty much minding my own business, running some errands and without an ounce of warning the thought popped into my head that I am worthless and I can't shake the idea. The damned thing pounced on me as stealthily as any prowling mountain lion. I didn't see it coming. Some folks get to have brilliant thoughts. Mine are ambush predators. Tapes that play over and over in my head, coiling themselves tighter and tighter. Each time I try to take in a breath of hope, they constrict. What is it about me. Do I seem to be the weakest of the herd? Do my thoughts turn on me because they see me as an easy target? Am I bent on self destruction? It seems if the right button is pushed I begin going through the index system of experience to find proof they are valid. I must be worthless. Abandoned as a child, unmarried, unloved, unwanted. Those certainly prove I am not worth having around. What have I accomplished? Nothing. What will I acc...

Is the need for affirmation really a need? Is it a sinful desire to want affirmation? What kind of affirmation is good and what kind of affirmation is sinful? Paul seemed to affirm the actions of some of the folks in the churches he wrote, while not mincing words when confrontation was in order. Do we need the occasional atta'boy or atta' girl to keep us motivated to do right? Does the need increase or decrease as one grows older? Where should single people find words of affirmation? In Scripture alone? Does or should the gift of encouragement include giving words of affirmation to people not likely to receive them anywhere else? Does anyone even give rip? Just asking.

Yesterday there was a spot on the news about death threats being made to Rebecca Black , the young woman with the viral music video, Friday . I was blissfully unaware of 13 year old Rebecca until recently. Her music video, mostly an engineered compilation of an annoying but maddeningly catchy song, has more detractors than admirers. I don't have a problem with folks in either camp, except of course the ones that have issued death threats and said hateful things to her because they don't like her music. I have huge issues with that sort of behavior and even bigger issues with the journalists who are trying to make behavior like this some sort of news worthy event. Why? Because most of the anonymous people who would say horrible things to a teenager like the horrified reactions they are getting. Especially when they are not being called out as the feckless cowards they really are. Back in my day if you didn't like a song, you turned off the radio. If I don't lik...

We've all heard variations of the expression, "Under that gruff exterior lies a heart of gold." It sort of goes with the old standby "Don't judge a book by its cover." The idea being that the ugly, drab, rough exterior often covers something beautiful. I understand the attraction to these idioms. There is a suggestion of hope, an implication that things are not always as bad as they seem. We like those stories. We like to find our heroes and heroines in unlikeable people whose likeability increases the more we come to know them. We like them almost as much as we like stories about 'underdogs' transforming into 'wonderdogs' but why? Because we are enamored by the prospect of being loved despite our unlovable character flaws and with winning against the odds. How else do we account for the number of people playing the lottery and the ever increasing self-help and self-acceptance industry? There are billion dollar industries banking on ou...

I have a love hate relationship with the internet. I love that so many things are a Google search away. I have had access to some of the best literature, best conversations and best teaching courtesy of the World Wide Web. I learn best by listening to conflicting opinion. I don't mind arguments. I respect people who can argue their position without making personal attacks. There are plenty of places to find opinions that differ from mine and I don't mind folks trying to convince me they are right. What I hate is the way so many people use the internet to be mean and spiteful. Internet bullies- people with opinions who lack the intelligence and/or communication skills to articulate their opinions without resorting to what amounts to brute force intimidation tactics; ad hominems, sarcasm or deception. I hate it when I spend time actually reading what these folks have to say. Why oh why do I subject myself to their tantrums and rantings? As if life here isn't difficult e...

Suffering. We all have some of it in our lives. Some of us get by with a sprinkling and others get dumped on. Most of try to avoid it at all costs by avoiding, denying or medicating it. A few of us are compelled to try to alleviate the suffering of others. Some twisted souls enjoy either receiving or causing it. Old, young, white, black, saved, reprobate, rich, poor, man, woman none of us are exempt. I can't help but think of Ophelia's mad scene and her distribution of flowers. "There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue for you; and here's some for me: we may call it herb-grace o' Sundays: O you must wear your rue with a difference..." Shakespeare was using rue as it symbolized sorrow or regret. Each of us has particular sorrows and regrets. Ophelia's sorrows drove her mad. She allowed her suffering to overwhelm her. Poor thing, love gone awry, torn between family and the prince who toyed with her. I do understand it, but t...

For the last several days the media has fixated on Tyler Clementi's suicide. I am not going to link to any of the stories, if you haven't heard about it, Google his name and you'll find a plethora of links to click. It is a horrible thing when anyone chooses such a permanent solution to a temporary life problem. I am so sorry for the loss of this young man's life. And I am outraged that the focus of this tragedy is on his homosexuality. Violating any human being's right to be safe in their home, dorm room, public restroom, or store fitting room-etc. etc. by secretly recording, filming or live streaming their activities is wrong. Period. I don't care whether this young man was playing Parcheesi with a group of nuns and Buddhists; to have his activities streamed via web-cam for anyone's entertainment or curiosity is wrong. I get that having intimate moments viewed in this manner is much more damaging to the psyche. I really do, but I resent the fact...

I have had a particularly bad day. In fact, I have had several bad days strung together. Weeks and months of bad days sprinkled with just enough hope to believe that something is going to change. Hope that I will, in fact, sit down and blog about having a particularly good day. I am not asking for a string of them, just one. One would get me over the hump and it's not too much to ask, or is it? I get so confused. Expecting suffering and joy at the same time is hardly a recipe for happiness. Jesus told us the cost of following Him was that we would have trials and tribulations. The world will despise us, because it's full of God-haters who despise Him. Yet we are also told that joy is ours. The joy of being one of His own, saved from the unimaginable torments of hell. The worst day here being better than one nano second in hell. Reconciling the two truths seems difficult today... a bit too heady for me to attempt. I am not going to try. One of the things that I say t...

I was up at 5:00am this morning. Showered and sitting at my kitchen table finishing up a bible study by 6:30. At 8:40 I was in my car driving to meet with several ladies from our small town at a community bible study that is held at my church. I never made it. I found myself shopping at Kroger at 8:50 and back home by 9:45. Why? I wish I could tell you exactly why. The bible study I am doing isn't among my favorites but the women I study with are. Admittedly, I was puzzled by something in the study that bothered me. It was an intimation that when Christ said: "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" He was addressing the other two members of the Trinity- hence He said "Eloi" twice. The study is on covenants and the author also correlated that in God's covenant with Abraham the smoking oven and flaming torch we also the remaining members of the Trinity. "Could it be that...." the author asked. Making statements by masquerading them as questions is ge...

I have been reading a lot about relationships lately, mostly because relationships are something I fail. Being around other people magnifies my sin. Talking to other people amplifies the hissing and crackling sounds of self-pity, self-focus and self-reliance that play like a bad eight track tape in my soul. I would like to say that other people are my problem... but it seems I am the constant factor. I am reading War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles by Paul David Tripp. It's putting a great big hurt to my ego. Here's a bit of what Tripp says that makes me say, ouch! "Winning the war of words means speaking redemptively, and speaking redemptively is rooted in a restoration perspective on relationships. The purpose of human relationships is not human happiness. it is the work of reconciling people to God and restoring them to the image of His son. "Winning the war of words means never forgetting who we are. When w...

Recently I had the privilege of giving some seminars to the women in our community bible study. The topics were the biblical concepts of fear, hope and peace. Of the three, hope is the one I dreaded giving the most. Hope had been something I despised. Our God is a very clever and economical God, it's the natural outcome of His sovereignty. When I met with the leaders of the bible study, I was the one that suggested hope as a topic. I could scarcely believe that the idea came from flying from my lips because I was really repelled by it. Of course, it was exactly the topic I needed to study and one of the top areas of my life that needed repentance and reformation. My friend Carla Rolfe had helped me by making some gorgeous PowerPoint slides to go along with my presentation. Carla is extremely creative and you should really check out her stuff . Well, you know the old saying; "No good deed goes unpunished." As Carla's reward for helping me I let her listen to t...

I follow Dr. Albert Mohler on Twitter. He has a keen eye seeing things clearly, especially when it comes to culture and its effects. One of his tweets was about a young woman in a graduate counseling program at Augusta State University being challenged to silence her views on homosexuality and gender identity. Here is the story Dr. Mohler linked to his tweet. I dropped out of college as a young and foolish woman. I pursued a career in public safety and since I did not want to be a cop, (I don't have the temperament. I figured if you run from a cop you're guilty of something awful and shooting you to stop you is probably going to keep you from hurting someone. I have mellowed with age. ) I didn't think there was a major I could use to help me in my pursuit. Like I said, I was young, foolish and without good counselors. I had a great career that paid well but when I was no longer able to work due to injury, I had thousands of dollars of specialized training and no for...

I hate dilemmas, especially the kind where you feel strongly both ways. Choosing lanes to be in when entering a toll plaza, what line to stand in to be checked out of a store, any type of choice that has variables you cannot control make me crazy. Yes, Virginia, I am a control freak. I also hate multiple guess questions on tests. I can talk myself into and out of all but the most inane answers. I go right into analysis paralysis. I am headed there now. I am receiving long term disability payments. I am injured and my injury is permanent. Every month I get to guess when my payment is going to arrive. The insurance company mailed a check to me on July 9th. Their office is 1 state away; one eastern size state away. We aren't talking Texas or California... just one teensie tiny little state away. In fact their state borders my state. I have not received the check. I am too broke to pay attention let alone the bills unless and until that check comes. So, do I have them st...

I have been thinking about why women have difficulty with theology and do not seem to be great apologists. I do know several women who are excellent theologians but I cannot think of a single female who is a formal Christian apologist- an orthodox Christian woman apologist. Well, there is Summer. She masquerades as a barista but she has a first class apologetic mind just like her dad. And, like her dad, she's an intellectual anomaly. She also had the benefit of growing up and knowing an apologist as Daddy and not just a lean, mean debating machine.... but I digress. Yesterday I read an exchange that occurred on a young woman's blog and I began to understand why women and apologetics don't seem to mix well. It's the male apologists they encounter who unwittingly scare them away. Before I explore this further and before I am accused of being a man-hating, male bashing feminist who blames men for every sort of evil under the sun.... I want to go on record as saying th...

I went to the doctor yesterday. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her she ought to just take me out behind the building and shoot me. She told me that those weren't the plans she had for me. I handed her the list of complaints I had written out. I was afraid I would forget what it was that I wanted to consult with her about and apologized for having a list. You're fine, she assured me as she systematically went through the list. "Let me see the new moles....ah, no worries we'll freeze those off." Whew! In my family cancer of every variety runs rampant. I also had a good report from mammography. Since my mother, aunt and both grandmothers had breast cancer that's a huge weight off my chest. Pun intended. Next on the list, remind me what are some of the bi-products of having pernicious anemia? "Mood swings, being emotional, loss of concentration, loss of cognitive abilities, loss of balance, loss of energy...." That's it! I am not...