rambling rosemarie

Someone else is living my life. They aren't aware but my thoughts burn through their good fortune like the acid of bitterness burns through my soul Discontentment coveting the blessings of others mine are undeliverable address unknown but thanks for helping me hold my tongue congratulations! job well done! I'd be happy to! those sentiments stuck in my craw like a fish bone. Too tired to keep my eyes open or appearances up. I am not enjoying this. Just so you know. I think it sucks. But I am still smiling like I've I got good sense ...or good manners anyway.

Ever have a day where you knew you could go one way or the other? I woke up this morning actually thinking I might be coming out of the cycle of whatever this is that is ailing me. The disease which has yet to be identified is definitely cyclical. What precipitates the cycles has yet to be determined but seriously, if I knew I would feel as bad every day as I have felt for the past two months I don't know what I would do. And although good days seem to be more and more rare when they do arrive it is enough to make me what to dance for joy, something like a funky cross between Snoopy and a prohibited touch down dance, you know? Today I got up and realized I had forgotten to give myself my weekly vitamin B12 injection. Part of my physical problem is a failing immune system. My body cannot synthesize B12 from the food I eat. It's an easy fix, but for some reason I forgot that yesterday was Manic Monday. I call it that because the lack of energy I have stems from having perni...

I haven't written in a very long time. Probably because I failed miserably at my own 40 day challenge. Well, that and I've realized I don't have much- if anything profound to say. I have lots to write about but none of it is particularly edifying or inspiring. It's just stuff. Random thoughts about peculiar things that get overlooked in ordinary, day-to-day events. Talking about events.... what about Harold Camping and his prediction of earthquakes and rapture? I haven't been able to stop singing "I'm still standing" when I find myself awake and aware. Today I am so tired that watching movies and sitting in front of my computer seem like arduous tasks. Simply trying to put a cogent thought together is difficult. Cogent thoughts? I would settle for connecting thoughts. Lately I have been thinking about the odd moments of my life that I remember. For instance, I watched one of my favorite movies this morning, October Sky. I am a sucker for a ...

For my 3 regular readers... I am underground and may have to enter the blogger protection program. It has come to light that I know the true identity of Turretin Fan . In fact, we went to different high schools together.

It's been a tough year for me. I have been scathed. My Pop was injured shortly after his birthday in January and died in November. My sister was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer two days before she flew out to bring Pop to the mainland in the hopes of finding him resources that would aid his recovery. I have been forced to jump through hoops to satisfy folks regarding my disability. I could go on and on but trust me, I have been scathed. Repeatedly. As I sit at my computer under the influence of the medications that make living with degenerative disc disease, herniated discs and cervical spinal stenosis bearable, I have been reflecting on a few things- mostly concerning stuff in the media. Here are some things I have jotted down in no particular order. They were all fodder for stuff I might write. Remember...rambling is not organized, rambling is ... well... rambling. I am glad the Chilean miners were rescued. I live in a coal mining state and have come to appreciate t...

The smell of figs is like catnip to me. It makes me happy. One sniff and I am immediately transported to my grandmother's home in El Sobrante. She lived on the top of a small hill that had a view of the San Pablo Bay. I lived with my grandmother for several years after my parents split up. I can't tell you that it was a happy time which is odd since the smell of figs makes me happy. It's just part of the time that was mine and in the middle of my childhood chaos I found sanctuary in a fig tree. I was young and fairly self-sufficient from the very beginning and since Grandma was not the affectionate involved type, I had many hours of solitude. I liked to spend that time perched in one of her fig trees. There I could observe the world go through its motions and nobody noticed I was watching. They were completely oblivious to the running commentary in my inner monologue. I made mental notes on everything. For instance, I bet you didn't know you could sing all the s...

Pain, suffering, death.... part of the price we pay for doing business in a fallen world. I had a doctor's appointment today. It seems my pernicious anemia is going to require weekly shots of B12 so the doctor has suggested I start giving myself the injections. I am not at all squeamish about things medical so the idea doesn't bother me at all. While I was in the pharmacy getting my prescription for syringes and B12, I was struck with an odd thought. It is a good thing that our bodies slow down and become frail as we mature intellectually. It's a blessing. God could have had our bodies fail when we were young and stupid. Think of the harm we could do to ourselves. Now that would be survival of the fittest... if our bodies were frailest while we the most ignorant! Just a random thought....

I don't quite know what to make of today. It's had a few unusual events already. I was sitting, sipping coffee and watching the news this morning when I noticed the neighbor's outrageously cute basset hound puppy playing in their yard. For those of you unfamiliar with Kentucky, we don't have fences as a general rule, not unless you have livestock. Our subdivision yards are a bit bigger than most of my California friends can relate to. I have a small lawn and it's half an acre. There is a home being built in the lot next to me and so our quiet cul-de-sac has lots of heavy equipment and delivery trucks going up and down most the day. We don't often get a lot of travelers and as I am the last house I seldom see this much traffic. Just yesterday I was talking to the basset's young owner. I said to him that I wanted to meet his pup because I like animals but I told him not to bring the dog to me, I didn't want the pup to get hit being on the road. Ke...

Ever do something without thinking about it just because you are used to doing it all the time? I know there are some single women out there who will identify with what I am about to say. When you are single you learn to do a lot of things yourself and you don't think twice about it. There is no one to go pick up the dry cleaning for you, no one to take the garbage out and if the toilet seat needs to be replaced, you replace it. You fall into the patterns and cycles of life doing what you can until something upsets your life, like getting old or having emergency surgery. I found myself in the local Lowe's looking for a new toilet seat for my guest bathroom. Lowe's is like a candy store to me. I get to ooooh and aaaahh over the new appliances and get lots of ideas about what I can do to my home. I was staring at a wall of various sizes and shapes of toilet seats asking myself, "What constitutes a good toilet seat? How do I know? Do I have a comfort preference?" ...

I had what I thought was a brilliant idea and I can't seem to make myself do it. Laziness or the Lord's intervention? I don't know. I have written a note to the doctors who did my surgery. I wanted to tell them how much I appreciate their skill and care, but mostly I wanted to tell them that all the events that took place to bring me to the emergency room were carefully orchestrated by God and that he had chosen them to be the tools He would use to save my life. I want to encourage them that their sacrifices to become surgeons have been an excellent way to use the skills and abilities God has given them. Here's the idea I had.... I wanted them to see how many people's lives they touch when they operate on someone. I thought I would ask all the folks who care about me to write to them and encourage them by saying thank you. I want it to be completely about the doctors and not me, but I can't seem to solidify or carry through with this idea. I would really...

When I am fixin ' to be "Nearer My God to Thee" sick, I crave clam chowder. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. It's not a comfort food because I am the only one in my family that likes it or makes it as far as I know. Apparently at the age of about 3 I collapsed in my mother's lap and told her I could prolly die if I didn't get some "clamp chowder." I have also been one of those people whose body temperature goes from 98.6 to 104 when I am sick. If you see me shopping for clams and clam juice, better go the other way as I am probably contagious. Tonight as I was driving home from work I started craving soup. My first thought was that it is a cool night and I am tired. A can of soup would be easy and not too awfully bad for me. Then I started noticing a tickle in my throat and I began to wonder, "Am I getting sick?" I am not off probation yet, I don't want to be sick. It's not authorized for me to be sick for ...

Today my soul feasted on the Word. My work schedule has finally changed so that I may attend Sunday services. I have the blessing of being part of a church whose sermons are available online. I have enjoyed the sermons and yet, being part of a corporate worship service is somehow more edifying and, I suspect, more glorifying to our God since He has instructed us to worship corporately. I used to think that I could be a 'Lone Ranger' type of Christian. That sinful thought was born of equal parts ignorance and arrogance. Now I think that just as there is no salvation outside of conversion, there is no place for ignorance and arrogance in a believer's life. We cannot know everything but we can know something new, wonderful and true about our God every day. The week has been fraught with turmoil. I can opine at length about the situation our economy is in. I can say without equivocation that I think Paulson should resign or be removed from his position of Treasury Secretary...

A little over a month ago I posted an article about squash bugs and how the little bugs were taking over my garden and decimating my squash crop. It is with great sadness and frustration that I tell you the score is 45-0 and the squash bugs win. It's enough to make me want to go back to California where the bugs have better sense and either give up or succumb to WMD. Normally I would be complaining about having too much squash and I have only received a meal or two out of my garden. Now if I am going to be fair about this I need to also say that finding myself gainfully employed meant I had a sudden deficit in my available time to be out there picking the blasted things off my plants. I don't think it would have mattered. They seem to have an amazing ability to reproduce themselves and apparently made whoopie in every shelter and on every curbit leaf in my garden. Not only did they take out my squash but my normally prolific lemon cucumbers were annihilated as well (the cu...

I jumped with a both feet from my Psalm 139 day into a day of ambivalence and deep thoughts that go nowhere. I would say it was a day of sheer profundity but I never quite got to the profound part. When you feel strongly both ways about something you generally spin your wheels and get nowhere. I visited nowhere a lot today. I wish I could tell you the nature of my dilemma. Truth is, I am not in quandary over anything in particular. Today just seems to feel like I am taking a multiple-guess test for which I have not studied. I could speculate that yesterday was preparation for today but I don't feel prepared at all. I keep telling myself feelings lie and I must live in what is, not what might have been, or could be if I would just connect the dots appropriately. I need someone to number the dots so I can connect them and see the picture. Remember those from when you were a kid? I hated those things, they were lame. Anyway, back to me. I am thoroughly discombobulated and in desp...

Wit: I have said it before, I love that my pastor reads my blog. That he cares enough to read, encourage and hold me accountable is testimony to the type of godly man that he is. That he sent me this link to read tells me he is brilliant, witty and knows me too well. (HT Bill Haynes ) White: My friend and brother, James White, is going to be debating Bart Erhman on the topic, "Does the Bible Misquote Jesus?" I urge you to check out the information here on his website. If you can make it, I think you will be blessed. I plan on attending, Lord willing. You can listen to the Dividing Line podcasts to get an idea of what you would be hearing. You can find them here and here . You will also find a treasure trove of resources, books and videos on the website. It is well worth your time to peruse. Women: I have listened to three teachings given by Alistair Begg on the topic of "The Place and Posture of Christian Woman. It is in three parts and very much wort...

Boy, was I tired last night. I shouldn't write when I am that tired. I need an editor on my best days and on my worst I need a translator. This morning I woke up and literally stumbled into the kitchen. I started fumbling with the coffee pot almost immediately. I was chanting a mantra; "I necessitate caffeine!" The doggies would have to wait for their morning romp and breakfast. As I reached to get the coffee filters I knocked over a bottle on my counter. The bottle isn't normally there. I have a disability in my hands and that makes it difficult for me to hold things that are large. I like to buy my olive oil at Costco (because it is cheaper) and then pour manageable amounts from the really big bottle into a quart-sized bottle. I was so tired last night that after refilling the bottle of olive oil, I didn't put it back where it belonged. You guessed it, that's the bottle that I knocked over. The damage was worse than you can imagine as the the bot...

I have been trying to live in two places at once. I am tired and I am officially cranky. So, I am packing it in and taking a nap. Probably going to nap all day long too. Well, as much as I can having a puppy in the house. Since I haven't posted in a while and since there are some things I've read that worth checking out... I thought I would post them. Anyone with a child or a computer should read Carla's post here . Anyone who is considering voting for or dismissing Obama should check out this post on Steve Camp's blog. Or this one on the NYTimes. H.T. Keith Plummer at The Christian Mind Anyone who is done reading and wants to watch and listen to something worth seeing and hearing, just click the play button below.

I am exhausted. I got so little sleep last night. I don't trust myself to take on a topic... so here are some observations. I saw senator John McCain on Ellen Degeneres' talk show. Ellen was kind and complimentary toward the senator while they discussed what she called the elephant in the room. They had a respectful disagreement regarding California's recent reversal on gay marriage. Ellen made an argument that equated not allowing gay marriage to saying "you can sit here, but not here." The intimation of course being the horrible way our country treated people of color is comparable to not recognizing same sex marriage. That argument isn't valid of course because marriage is a covenant before God.. but I have to give her credit for articulating her objections respectfully. Senator McCain was equally pleasant while holding his ground...but never quite articulating why. It's going to be an interesting election. I'd say we were doomed but as a C...

I decided that I am not going to California, I am going to Hawaii instead. My step-dad lives in Hawaii and I want to see him. He's 80 years old and I don't want to regret not getting to see him where he's the happiest, at home on Molokai. If I go to California now, there will be no chance of going to Hawaii later, but if I wait, there may be a chance to stop over in California on my way to or from Hawaii. I will really have to do something spectacular like get a job before I will be able to afford that, but that's OK. I am praying that God will give me the opportunity to go and make the way for it to happen. I would rather be disappointed now than feel guilty for not trying to see my Pop. I had the erroneous thought that when I grew up I would like making decisions for myself. Aging is full of choices that are the right thing to do but not necessarily the thing you want to do. You just give in more readily when you're older. Some call it wisdom, I call it weaken...

So, I have to make a decision and I am all in knots about it. My kids are in California. My sister has to go to California to take care of some business. She is tempting me to go with her. I could see my grandson and my kidlets. I could see my friend before she has a big milestone birthday. I could have coffee with my buddy Vicki and her birthday is coming up too. I could taste real Chinese food and real Mexican food. I could eat real San Francisco sourdough bread. Sounds good.... but of course there is a catch. Not only is airfare an expense, but renting a car and parking at the airport and stuff.... and then... here's the big one... I would have to be my dear ol' buddy Chet the Wonder Dog in the kennel for a week. That's almost two whole months in dog time. He's approaching 12 years old, he's slowing down and my guilt glands are swelling just at the thought of it. Now, ain't it funny that a woman who made life and death decisions for years is having...