rambling rosemarie

Because if we were honest our prayers might sound like this..... and we'd rather appear to be holy than to actually be transformed into His image. Dear God, I've come to equivocate for a few minutes. It won't take too much of your time, just long enough to assuage my guilt for not spending time with you. More importantly I want to be certain not to spend so much time that my attempts to manipulate you are glaringly apparent. Let's get started, shall we? OK. I know I haven't really spent much time with you lately and I haven't been all that busy. I have been avoiding you.  I should be ashamed of myself, but my lack of communication with you isn't what's bothering me right now.  What's bothering me is your lack of outreach where I am concerned.  I mean, you raised Lazarus from the dead, surely a small miracle to prove that you're paying attention to me wouldn't be so hard for you to do. My faith could really use a boost and that's the...

I am re-calibrating my life. I have taken a long look at some of my presuppositions and expectations, sorted through them and have discarded a few while carefully embracing others. One of the the assumptions I have corrected is my need for and willingness to be connected to people. My conclusion? Having people around is inevitable and sometimes enjoyable but I don't need it. I used to think I was fairly social. I used to think that friendships and relationships were a necessity for my sanity. I couldn't have been more wrong. People make me crazy. Recently I have been going through "it" and "it" has been kicking my tookus. The culmination of life events and health problems have rendered me unable to cope. I am the one people come to for advice and encouragement. When I confessed to not being OK I became the pariah. People scattered from me like cockroaches run from the light. I e xperimented with vulnerability and experienced a failure of biblica...

Ever feel as if God is not going to cut you any slack? I do. I think that right now He is making things very uncomfortable for me in just about every area of my life. I have been off work since the end of August because I tripped in my own home, wrenched my back and hurt my neck. I flunked 3 MRI's because of being claustrophobic. I finally got through one and then it took 3 weeks for my doctor to be able to read the report. I have some severe damage going on in my cervical spine and I have been referred to a neurosurgeon. I have an infection in my eye. I have two different dental insurance benefits and neither one of them will pay for the cleaning I had six months ago. I had my teeth cleaned today and found out that I need a crown and not one, not two, but four fillings. I haven't had a filling in 10 years and suddenly I need four. They are so small that the dentist says we could watch them. Watch them what? Turn into big cavities that hurt? My short term disability insura...

I passed the test that I have been studying for- thanks be to God! I am grateful for those of you who prayed for me. I passed the test by the grace of God and the skin of my teeth. Your prayers for me were the difference, I know it. I am sitting here sipping Pellegrino in celebration. In the midst of my elation I am also on the ragged edge- but not in a bad way. I have so many things going on in my life just now that I am in a constant state of kinetic energy. Ever been like that? Sort of worn out and frazzled, but in a good way. If I lose my balance at all, stuff may come crashing to the floor but for the nonce, it's all good. God's timing, because it is always perfect, never ceases to amaze me. My sister's life is full of taking care of her dad. I know she has been very mindful that I had hours of free time that were threatening to choke the life out of me as they morphed into hours of boredom and self-pity. She doesn't have to worry about me and can focus on her dad....

Today at my new job a woman came back from a break distraught. Someone asked her if she was OK and her response took my breath away. "My 24 year old son has just been diagnosed with cancer. No, I am not OK." The woman next to her reached over and hugged her and another woman asked, "Is there anything I can do?" Between sobs the woman said, "Can you give him a body without cancer? He has no job and no insurance, can you give him that?" The woman who offered the hug before just held her tighter and tears silently streamed down her cheeks. One mom to another, one grandmother to another they just cried. I was across the room and suddenly wanted to hug her too, but kept my seat because I knew she was barely hanging on and too much kindness would undo her. She still had to face the day and drive home. So I did my crying for her tonight and I will pray for her and her son. Words are important but sometimes crying with someone is better than words. I wanted to ...

It would be an exaggeration to say that I haven't any discipline. I manage to pay my bills on time. My dog gets his heartworm medicine every month and I am fairly good at turning off lights when I am not using them. OK, that last bit about the lights is a stretch. In fact, my living room lights are on a timer so I don't have to worry about turning them off. Discipline. I say I want discipline but I keep putting off really working at it. If procrastination could be an Olympic event, I would win gold. No doubt about it. I would like to blame my inability to see a task to completion on my artistic personality, Attention Deficit Disorder or being an absent minded professor type. You know... so busy saving lives and creating formulas that I just can't cope with the mundane chores of life. In fact, my want to is broken for doing just about anything that is good for me. Good for me things cramp my style. I can sit and do nothing all day long. If I try to sit and read my bib...

My lawn was mown and jungle tamed today. I actually did some yard work and didn't get eaten by T-Rex. More importantly, I am better attitudinally. Why? Because people are praying for me. I tell myself they are praying for me because they are tired of hearing me complain about everything and they want God to shut me up. My inner monologue says some fairly mean things to me. It doesn't matter though. I gladly accept prayers to our God on my behalf. I used to hate it when people told me they were praying for me. I hated it because that meant that God was going to do something in my life. He was going to take action and I was going to receive whatever it was whether I wanted it or not. I didn't mind so much when there was a catastrophe of some kind going on in my life. I would actually ask for prayer then... but when someone would randomly tell me they were praying for me, it unnerved me. Praying for someone exponentially increases their likelihood of being refined...

I have been dog tired. I have been grumpy. I have been disinterested in the things of God, but I still like him much more than I like people. People. Bah! Why does God bother with us? Horrible things. Sinful things. Who needs them? Ever notice when you're grumpy everyone wants to try your patience? My lawn service hasn't shown up in three weeks. Three weeks of growing bluegrass makes your property jungle-like. That's OK... I expect the wildlife are enjoying the added cover and camouflage. There's probably a T-Rex out there. He's probably hoping one of the dust buffalo in my home will come out and play. My house is a mess- the good fairy hasn't shown up to clean it and I am certainly not going to be productive. That would ruin my pity party. My car's check engine light went on... and once they fixed what caused that problem they told me about another one. My guts hurt. My whine is becoming perfected. And just when I am about to pitch a full on tempe...