Rocks and Hard Places

My rheumatologist is a genuinely funny man. Hes decided to scrap the drug therapies we were trying to go in an entirely different route. He knows I don't like taking drugs so when I asked him, "And what are the potential side effects to this drug vs. the potential benefits?" He was ready. After a long pause and with a pensive look on his face he said; "Side effects? You mean besides the third leg you'll sprout and the way your skin turns green? Nothing that wouldn't seem normal to you. You *are* from California, right? Yeah anything that happens shouldn't alarm you."

His theory is that my pain isn't caused as much by my arthritis as it is by nerve damage that decades of untreated pernicious anemia has caused. He wants to try a drug that works by disrupting my neurons abilities to deliver pain messages. I am becoming so sedentary I am willing to try anything that will get me back into life. Less pain? I am in. Let the disruption begin!

The downsides to the medication are being drowsy. Chin on chest snoring drowsy. Stop moving, fall asleep drowsy. I'm talking take two shots of Revv coffee, several B-complex supplements and a B12 shot and still fall asleep if you stop moving kind of drowsy. He told me it would take a couple weeks to get acclimated. I take one pill at night before bed. When I can do that and remain conscious, I'll add a second pill during the day. I am still on the one pill regimen. Last night I was in bed by 10pm and didn't rouse until 8am. Getting sleep is a blessing and that alone is enough to help me feel better. I haven't slept like that in years.

I am finding that the drug works. I have been able to get out and accomplish some things. The pain is letting up and that is wonderful. I have a dilemma though. Unfortunately drowsiness is not the only potential side effect. As the pain decreases I am noticing depression is on the rise. I am fighting it with all my being but it's there. It's here. It's everywhere. It's trying to smother me. Not all the time, it comes in waves. One moment I am right as rain and the next I am in that place where I question my faith, the meaning of life, whether God exists. If He does, do I want anything to do with Him? I am certain that hope is a four letter word. Right now they are fleeting moments of depression. If the moments increase to hours... then I am in trouble. I am still in the trial period of seeing if I can tolerate the drug...but it hasn't escaped my notice that I may have to make a really difficult choice.

Live with pain or choose to be pain free and depressed....

Counseling yourself isn't as easy as counseling others. What would I tell someone else in these circumstances? Probably to wait a bit and see if things even out and if they don't to keep looking for ways to manage the pain. If pain is the price you pay to keep faith and hope alive, so be it. Easy words to say....when the pain isn't yours.

I read Psalm 71 today. I may read it over several times before this day is through.

Be yourself- don't waste your blog...

So... I read an article on my friend, Carla's blog . I have written about her on my blog before and have recommended her before. In this particular post she talks about one blogger's vision for a directory of Christian bloggers to help promote accountability. Which, on the surface sounds all good and 'Christianly' but Carla has reservations. Then I read the comments for her article and Steve Camp of Camp onThis fame has responded. I have also recommended his blog a number of times. For those of you who don't want to click the links, this is a brief synopsis. Some guy wants to have a Christian bloggers directory for accountability purposes, Carla questions the need since accountability begins in the bloggers local church, and she fears it will set up a click of bloggers who are "in" and those who are "out." Steve drives the point home and signs his comment "Don't waste your blog..." That's the part that has me spinning....

Super Church a song for the Emergent-sy

In the early 70s I was in a youth choir at my church. Our youth pastor was a musician and his way of connecting with us as a group was through the choir and music. Somehow there was an affiliation between him and The Continental Singers, New Hope and Jeremiah People. He was worked with Moishe Rosen of Jews for Jesus too, I think. Are any of these names familiar to you? Though I remember the church fondly I was a profoundly lost and troubled young woman during my years there. That and time have muddled the memories quite a bit. Today I was digging through some old paperwork and one of the books to the musical we did. It's Getting Late For the Great Planet Earth, a folk rock oratorio by Cam Floria. Yes, that's right. Cam Floria put Hal Lindsey to music. There's a lot to laugh about and some to groan about but as I was looking through the songs and remembering, I found this little ditty and I only wish I could sing it for you. Just remember that this is circa 1972 and even th...

Bruised, Battered, Blessed

The hard times of life. The times when your are bruised and raw. When it hurts to breathe and each beat of your heart feels like it is sending glass shards through your soul. That's when it happens and you know. Your circumstances are horrible. You cannot imagine why everything has gone so horribly wrong all at once and in a nanosecond you are transported from the abject poverty of puny faith and hopelessness to knowing that you are safely tucked under God's wing. You know that all of your doubts to the contrary cannot keep you from His grace and mercy when He chooses to bestow it upon you. I have had some of the hardest months of my life thus far come crashing down on me like waves, forming a tsunami of circumstances. Circumstances way beyond of my control, threatening to take my feet out from under me. The last three days have been full of anguish for me. My sister called and through her sobs and heartbreak all I could understand were the words, "Daddy is dying....

rambling rosemarie

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