19 April 2008

Failing Miserably at Being Still

Envy is not an easy sin to overcome. I find that it permeates my daily thoughts like breathing and blinking. I kid myself by trying to believe that it would be easier to stop envying people for their things and their social status than it is not envying them for having something to do with their lives. I don't give a rip about things and keeping up with folks on their toys and gadgetry. I don't care about their money or their stock portfolios. I envy them having something to do.

I think my problem is that I don't only want something to do, I want to be doing something that matters and to be good at it... but I haven't a clue what that thing might be. Where does that fit in on the sinful unbelief scale? I suppose it could be sinful to think that your life doesn't matter. I mean, God is keeping me around for some purpose. I could list for you the things I don't want to do or can't do... but nothing that I think I could do.

I am failing miserably at being still. The good news is that this isn't a surprise to God. He's not in his heaven, slapping his forehead and exclaiming, "What am I going to have to do get her to understand? Is she ever going to get this right??!" I do take comfort in that. I also think that it is possible to be absolutely clueless about what your gifts and abilities are when they are yet to be discovered. Or to put it another way, I knew what my talents and strengths were when I was working in public safety. I knew what I excelled at there partially because I received evaluations and commendations and partly because I got the job done. I also knew my strengths and weaknesses when working in higher education and for the same reasons. I got feedback and I saw results. Currently my life is devoid of not only feedback and results but opportunity.

I have to ask myself, is it the applause of man that I am missing? If so, then that's the problem. I should not seek the applause of man. I already know that seeing results isn't necessary to be assured that what you're doing is valuable in God's economy. However, there's no solace there for me because I am not doing anything.

I used to have a brass plaque that said, "On this spot in 1887 nothing happened." I don't know what became of it when I moved. I should find it and give it a place of prominence. Or, I suppose I could write my biography and say, "And it came to pass that nothing came to pass." I only hope that there aren't many chapters with that theme. I don't want to see, "And it came to pass, while nothing was coming to pass, that nothing continued to pass while waiting for something to come to pass."

At least I still have my humor.... warped though it may be.

1 comment:

Carla said...

I very much appreciate your warped sense of humor, for what it's worth.