rambling rosemarie

Dear God, It's me, Rosemarie. I'd say something clever like, "I guess you're wondering why I am writing" but your omnipotence sort of makes that a silly way to start things out, doesn't it? It seems a bit odd to begin a letter with adoration that you, Almighty God, deserve. Perhaps I could have a do-over? Dear Almighty and Most High God; Creator of all that is and ever will be; God of Abraham, Isaac and Moses; The One who provided manna in the wilderness and split the Red Sea; The God who turns the hearts of men and who provides the only way of salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord; God of the insignificant likes of even me, Yeah, while that salutation is a more fitting way to address You, it doesn't roll off the tongue that easily and I haven't begun to scratch the surface. The more I start to list the more I realize I am leaving out. What's really overwhelming to me is the invitation I have as a believer to address you in a fa...

I have been sitting at my computer screen for much longer than I care to admit. I have been staring at it and it has been daring me to write something.  Anything. Even if it is wrong.  Even though it will not be read.  Forget about it being edifying. Don't even try for mildly entertaining. Just write. Get it out. Emotions without expression are poison to your soul. Vomit verbiage until you've purged. Go ahead and write about how much you miss your dog after putting him to sleep yesterday.  Describe how soft and silky his cheeks were and how not knowing you were taking him to his death, he put his chin on his bed and gazed contentedly at you as you waited for the vet to come out. All the while you stroked his head and ears trying to remember forever the contours.  Try to articulate what it feels like to know that the one creature on the planet that preferred your company to anything or anyone else trusted you as you put him out of his misery when he didn't know...

Sadly, I don't have a steady hand nor a tripod for my camera. If either of those things were available to me I would be posting a picture of a gorgeous Kentucky moon. It's as full and glowing gold as I have ever seen it. The sky isn't quite dark enough to have lost its purplish-blue tones and there are two or three wispy clouds framing the moon as stylishly as any custom platinum setting has ever held a precious gem. Put simply, it's stunning. The moon isn't the only sensory delight. The first fireflies of the season are doing their whimsical dance in the high grass across the street. They bring to mind those emergency lights you can wear around your neck, only the lights have a short in their circuitry and are being worn by drunks. Their flight paths are so random you have to marvel that they ever meet their objectives; find one another and make little lightning bugs. The scent of lilacs, peonies and newly mown fields have mingled with the fresh strawberries I...

The trouble with childhood is that adults can't get over it, through it or help but return to it as they age. The gravitational pull toward childhood has to be greater than any black hole Stephen Hawking could conjure. Why? Why would this be such a common affliction? I could dismiss my own question by reciting a verse in 1 Corinthians , "...no temptation has overcome you except that which is common to man." I could support it by citing Ecclesiastes 1:9 , "...there is nothing new under the sun." I think there's something for me to learn in exploring the question a bit further. Could it be that we all have God given drive to return to the start? He has written His law on our hearts , does that mean an innate desire to return to beginnings? Do we long for the beginning because He is the beginning? Do we do this in error because our sin bastardizes those longings into selfish desires? None of us gets through childhood without a few scars. Some heal without n...

Today's challenge: function on 2 hours of sleep. I guess I could have qualified things when I prayed not to be sleepy. Something short of insomnia would have been fine. Funny, I used to function fine without sleep before I got old. Wait, maybe I got old so quickly because I didn't get enough sleep? Aging. Bah! Stuff creaks and other things rattle. My body is proof that gravity works. I move like one of those carts with the funky wheel. You know, the one you hope you won't get and when you do you try to pretend that your above noticing or being bothered by it as you force/guide it around the store? Yeah, out of a hundred good solid carts in any given store I normally get the one with the funky wheel. Thunkity thunkity, clatterbang! I guess it stands to reason that I would end up a little off my trolley in more than one way. Speaking of shopping. Years ago in a land far from here I was shopping at a Home Depot. I was in the garden center where two cashiers worked dili...

My head feels like it's full of the fuzzy stuff that clings to cough drops when they come loose from their wrappings and adhere to the lining of your favorite purse. I have an annoying cough that has me momentarily tempted to check the inner recesses of my purses in the hopes of finding one such fuzzy gem. Alas, it would take far too much effort. I'll sip my tea instead and hope that the tickle at the back of my throat isn't headed to the depths of my lungs in a bronchial something or other that will shake the foundations of my house as I hack. Wouldn't it be nice if you could cough up a lung and clean it out thoroughly before replacing it? I am stressed and I am certain that a portion of my restlessness has been brought about by whatever it is that is making chest feel like someone has filled it with feathers and play-dough . I am trying to peel some oranges and eat them for their vitamin C. It seems like a lot of work and I wish I had a pill to take. I wish I had s...

There are a few things about being single that I don't like and this morning I was reminded of one of them. Pest control. Pest control is a man's job. In fact I daresay men, in consideration for the amount of poo filled diapers women clean up, are by default in charge of all vermin and pestilence eradication. It seems a fair trade. For the past several weeks my cat has kept herself entertained at night by watching a spectacle on the back deck. I knew something was getting into my flowerpots and gnawing away at my hyacinth bulbs but whenever I turned the light on to see what Mali Meow was stalking through the glass, there was nothing to see. Isn't that the way of it, light shines in darkness and creepy things disappear. Last night I was on the telephone in the living room and suddenly the sounds of a cat launching herself into the sliding glass door and batting her paws furiously came resounding from the kitchen. The noise was incredible! It caused the dogs to bark, t...

For Christmas my sister gave me some bulbs to raise indoors; four narcissus and an amaryllis. I enjoy plants and flowers so it was a sure bet for me to consider them as a great gift and I do. Who needs extravagance when you can have a bit of God's creation to behold? Full of patience and discipline-(she said with her tongue embedded in her cheek), I planted the bulbs immediately, neglecting chores and anything else that had a prior claim to my time. As reward for my labors the narcissus are in bloom. As I sit here and type their fragrance is sweet and permeates the house. The scent is lovely but could have become overbearing easily enough. Fortunately the weather hasn't been at all normal and I've been able to have open doors and windows. It feels special to have them, like they have grown quickly in response to my tender care. The amaryllis, on the other hand, I feared was a lost cause. In the same time span the narcissus have grown, bloomed and are now dying back, the...

Sometimes the oddest things will generate time spent in deepest thought. Today I was accomplishing some cooking. On my stove cooling as I write this are the following food items: Lentil, ham and split pea soup; barley chicken soup; browned bison and grass fed ground beef with sautéed onions, bell pepper and garlic; some basil tomato sausages and a couple more incidentals. I went shopping at a Whole Foods store yesterday and because it is so far from my home, I buy more fresh food than I can consume in a couple of days. I generally like to come home and cook things up and either freeze them or extend the time that they are considered good by cooking them and then nuking them as I go through the week. I was thinking about the mess I was making and if I would have the energy to clean up after myself or if it would have to wait until morning. That led me down a trail of thoughts which can be dangerous for me. I can start focusing on all the things I can't do and how I need to f...

You know the old saying. Red skies at morning- sailors take warning. Red skies at night-a sailor's delight. Whatever storm that's plaguing me is waning. I can't think of any trick little saying about my mood though I have thought about it which is alarming. It's good to take inventory when you're frumped and wabbed. Let's see all the things that it might indicate. 1) Bad attitudes often demonstrate neglected soul work. Yeah, I have things I need to take care Check. Do I need to continue? Probably not until I take care of #1. Eventually I will be grateful that God never lets us off the hook. Until then I am only willing to be willing to be grateful. That's several steps ahead of what I was willing to be when last I wrote.

The wind has kicked up. Whatever storm is coming will not just pass over and die down. No, it seems intent on blowing my house down and leaving me completely naked and exposed. Whatever this is that I am sensing, it's not my definition of good. God doesn't really give a rip how I define things though. God is on His throne and does as He pleases. Is it a coincidence that this morning my attention has been drawn to two specific items available on the Internet? Since God's sovereignty eradicates things like probability, chance, luck and thereby obliterates coincidence I would have to say "no" but then my question was rhetorical. What are the items? The first one is here and it focuses on "taking your soul to task" which, I don't mind telling you I need to do. That said I am compelled to be honest enough to tell you I have no real intention of actually doing so. The other is found here and features Nancy Leigh DeMoss discussing Psalm 46 . I may ac...

There is a strange wind stirring in my soul. I wish I could find the appropriate words to describe what I mean. There's not a pending catastrophe or anything I am especially concerned about. There's nothing scheduled of any significance for me until next month and those are things I am looking forward to such as visits from old friends. It's not often I am rendered incapable of communicating. What I feel is akin to looking over the side and discovering you're much higher up than you realized but in this case, I didn't know I was climbing anything at all. You know the strange dream you have that is all too real and familiar feeling when you wake up? The sort that leaves you wondering what is real and what is not? That is close to how I feel. I don't know how I got here and don't know if I should be alarmed or excited. Am I standing at the edge of change? On the precipice of some major self-discovery? Am I headed for a fall? It's sort of like somethin...

I burned my breakfast this morning. I make the same thing with some minor variations every morning. I saute sliced zucchini, asparagus, mushrooms or whatever veggies I may have on hand and then make a one egg and three egg white omelet. I slice some avocado, sprinkle some sharp cheddar cheese, dash some Frank's hot sauce on the top and finish it with a dollop of sour cream. Often I will add some fresh fruit to the plate and then I feast. For years I skipped breakfast. Then I read that skipping meals can make your body think it is starving, thus it holds on to every ounce of fat reserve so it can outlast the famine. Like I need its help in maintaining fat. Me, who can draw calories from the aroma of food cooking. I did my research and I began eating just a little something. In all honesty I felt better through the day. Then I was given medication to take in the morning with instructions to take it after eating a meal. Now I eat a huge breakfast. Between eating well and the new...

There is a storm blowing in. I have the living room windows and sliding glass door in the kitchen open. I've been sitting in my recliner reading as the cool air gets sucked through the house. I love this time of year. I love open windows and fresh air streams. I try to imagine what a layer of smoke would look like being drawn across my more than pudgy frame. It makes me laugh. Perhaps I am round to reduce friction loss and/or wind resistance? That's it. I am not fat. I am a science experiment in domestic aerodynamics. I had the makings of a migraine from hell today, so I amped myself up on caffeine and gave myself my weekly vitamin B12 shot. I may never sleep again, but when I do, I will crash hard. I wish I could condense this energy into a laser like focus and actually accomplish any of the 15 or so tasks I am juggling. I am easily distractable when I am this wired. First I thought it would be great to clean out the freezer and in doing so I found some chicken that wa...

You don't know me. I do everything in my power to make certain the part of me that you get to see is honest but not as vulnerable as you might think. I am an expert at dangling just enough information about myself to make you think you know me. Like a fly fisherman casting a lure, I make familiar ripples in the streams of your soul and you take the bait. My intent is to catch and release. I want to catch your attention and be released from any responsibility. I want to be recognized but not known. I want to have my cake and eat it too. You don't know me. You don't know what my fears truly are- no more than you know my hopes or dreams. I would never risk telling you. You may think you know. You may think you have me all figured out but I live alone behind the door to me. The security system is in working order. You can come up to the door and look through the windows but the deadbolt is going to remain in place. No robin will come show you the hidden entrance to my secre...

My dogs do not like the rain. When the grass is wet they have no desire in the world to go outside. So on this gray and rainy day, one of my favorite combinations in the whole world by the way, imagine my surprise when the doggies I normally force to go outside in the wet weather were gone a full 15 minutes. They have a wireless fence and respect the warning sound they get before the buzz to check their forward motion kicks in. Usually vocal about wanting to come in, I assumed they were sitting on the porch waiting for me to get around to letting opening the door. Then, being an anxiety ridden clown, I began to panic thinking that they had escaped the fence and were out on the highway about to be run over. As dramatic as that sounds I live at the end of a cul-de-sac with nothing but vacant lots past my house. Not a lot of traffic there, you know? So, telling myself they were alright, I went to the door and called them. I heard nothing in response. It is never a good thing when ...

God saved my life yesterday afternoon, which isn't really surprising because He has and will do that all day every day that He's ordained me to be here. In my sinful presumptiveness I take that for granted. Occasionally He makes it obvious that He is keeping me safe. That's what happened yesterday. My sister and I drove to Lexington and did some shopping. She goes up every week to visit her father and I go up once every couple of months. Occasionally things work out so we go together. It usually means we'll laugh, end up in tears at least once and ask each other exploratory questions. She and I were separated when she was born and reunited about 19 years ago. I moved to Kentucky as a result of her instigations . We are in many ways alike and yet very different. It's fun to find those things out. My sister, Karen, has a fear of traveling by car. She's come by it honestly and it seems without fail, each and every time we drive somewhere Karen's very ...

Back when I could work for a living, which seems like forever ago, my employer paid a long term disability insurance policy for me in lieu of paying for medical benefits. I was blessed to have good insurance through my work in public safety. God's providence in that is the only reason I have maintained an Internet connection, food in the fridge, car insurance and can purchase the gas to drive the silly thing. I am grateful for the policy. I try to remind myself of that when I have to fill out the scads of paperwork they require from me to document my disability. It really does take an emotional toll to have to write over and over again all the things you cannot do. It also piques my sarcasm. I want to write things like, "I will never be able to participate in yak racing again" or "just the other day the pain in my neck was so severe I realized my days of being a casteller are behind me." I am not sure they would appreciate my humor. It's what I do t...

Last night I watched the heat lightning and it reminded me of crumpled saran wrap that had somehow had been electrified and was being stretched and straightened across the sky, releasing sparks as it gained tension. Moments like last night leave me breathless, longing for something I cannot identify and feeling small. Very small. . Tonight I did some barbecuing in the dark. I had some chicken that needed to be cooked or given up for lost and it has been way too hot to be out on the deck cooking. I don't do well in the heat. I like 70 degrees with a light breeze. I do not like 89 with relative humidity of 90+ and heat indices of 110. You can't always get what you want. But I did get to see some more lightning so it's all good. Thursday I saw the doctor to receive what I thought would be a diagnoses of celiac sprue. According to the tests I do not have celiac sprue. I was kind of disappointed because I had reasoned it all out in my mind and with the help of Dr. Google...

Ever have a day where you knew you could go one way or the other? I woke up this morning actually thinking I might be coming out of the cycle of whatever this is that is ailing me. The disease which has yet to be identified is definitely cyclical. What precipitates the cycles has yet to be determined but seriously, if I knew I would feel as bad every day as I have felt for the past two months I don't know what I would do. And although good days seem to be more and more rare when they do arrive it is enough to make me what to dance for joy, something like a funky cross between Snoopy and a prohibited touch down dance, you know? Today I got up and realized I had forgotten to give myself my weekly vitamin B12 injection. Part of my physical problem is a failing immune system. My body cannot synthesize B12 from the food I eat. It's an easy fix, but for some reason I forgot that yesterday was Manic Monday. I call it that because the lack of energy I have stems from having perni...