07 February 2009

Survivor's Guilt

It's been a very long while since I have written anything at all here. It's been longer still since I have written anything of value or substance. I have been working long hours for little pay but in this economy I am very glad to have a job.
Gratitude is something I have been thinking about a lot. Gratitude for me is a double edged sword. Often when I am grateful for some malady I have been spared, it means someone else has suffered. Take the ice-storms that have recently crippled Kentucky. I was slightly inconvenienced and happy that I didn't lose power or water. Sure, I lost my internet and phone connections, but my heat worked just fine. I feel kind of creepy though. I guess it is a form of survivors guilt.
I have discovered that I have survivors guilt in a whole lot of areas and I am not sure what to make of that revelation. I am guilty, perhaps that's why. I don't deserve the many blessings I have had. I don't know why God has spared me from any part of the misery that should be mine, let alone saved my soul.
This is a particularly difficult topic to try and talk about because it can seem that it's a ploy for attention or some sort of super spiritual superiority trip. I assure you, I am just muddling my way through things. I don't have anything to offer that is spiritually superior. I struggle with doubt and lack of discipline. I wonder how in the world I can behave the way I do and profess Christ at the same time.