rambling rosemarie

....and dirty water came out. I was pretty heavily medicated yesterday and that made it more difficult for me to practice self-control. I have difficulty doing that on a good day, but with inhibitions removed I have found my calling; I am mean. One of my professors once said, "When you squeeze a sponge and dirty water comes out, it's not the pressure that made the water dirty, the dirt was there to begin with." It's really true. It isn't the (prescribed) controlled substances that make me cranky. I am pretty much cranky to begin with. As I sit here today I think I am experiencing a prescription drug hang-over. It's hard to tell, my brain is so fuzzy these days no matter what I am taking. I wish you could see my office. It truly looks like a madman decorated it using a fragmentation grenade and a dust buffalo scatter gun. I believe I took my life in my hands trying to get to the desk. Ever seen "Hoarders?" Consider my office looking like some...

I hate Mother's Day. It dredges up every raw emotion I have about not being raised by my mother, about losing my mom when she was so young once I did get to have her in my life... about the guilt of being young and stupid and not wanting to recognize my step-mom/auntie as mom on Mother's Day. Now that I have been in her shoes, it's especially difficult. I get the sting of being ignored and the larger more painful sting of knowing I deserve it. As you sow.... so shall you reap. I am doing a study on fear for a seminar I will be giving. I have titled it Fear Knot or Fear Not! It's been beneficial for me as I can see how many areas of my life are tinged or controlled by fear. As I sit here feeling the pain of regret and neglect, I have to say I wish God had told us Hurt Not! He didn't though. There's no place this side of heaven where we aren't guaranteed pain, suffering and tears. This morning a backhoe arrived in the vacant lot next to my house. It...

For the last two days I have tried to return to work full time. The first day I made it 4.5 hours and the today I made it 5.0 hours before I was so uncomfortable I had to go home. I still have two places in my largest incision that are open and draining. It hurts to sit and unfortunately that is what I do at work, sit and answer the phone. I am going to the doctor in the morning and hoping that I haven't done something to damage or compromise my healing. It stings my pride to be reminded of my mortality. I don't mean my soul, it belongs to Christ and I trust Him alone to see me into eternity glorifying my God. But here in this between time... this foreign place we are just passing through, I want to be invincible. No, that's not quite what I mean to say because I am invincible in the sense that nothing and no one can revoke my visitor's visa here except God. What I mean to say is that I don't want to be limited by a body that is healing or broken or aging. I don...