rambling rosemarie

I hate Mother's Day. It dredges up every raw emotion I have about not being raised by my mother, about losing my mom when she was so young once I did get to have her in my life... about the guilt of being young and stupid and not wanting to recognize my step-mom/auntie as mom on Mother's Day. Now that I have been in her shoes, it's especially difficult. I get the sting of being ignored and the larger more painful sting of knowing I deserve it. As you sow.... so shall you reap. I am doing a study on fear for a seminar I will be giving. I have titled it Fear Knot or Fear Not! It's been beneficial for me as I can see how many areas of my life are tinged or controlled by fear. As I sit here feeling the pain of regret and neglect, I have to say I wish God had told us Hurt Not! He didn't though. There's no place this side of heaven where we aren't guaranteed pain, suffering and tears. This morning a backhoe arrived in the vacant lot next to my house. It...

Things are piling up on me. Bad things. Things that want to make me miserable. What sort of things? Well here's a look at some. I lost my job. I didn't lose it because the company downsized or because my performance was substandard. In fact, the company I worked for did everything thing they could to accommodate me. They offered an extension of sick leave and I couldn't in good conscience accept. I knew I couldn't be back to work in the time they could give me and their busy season is coming. There are lots of able bodied folks who need jobs and it was patently unfair of me to ask them to hold my position when I knew I couldn't come back. You see, I lost my job because I have injured myself and cannot physically perform the duties required. In August I tripped, fell, tried not to land on my adorable doggies and did a number on my back. I also aggravated an existing injury to my neck. The lower back is a bit better but the neck... well... it's not so good. Th...

I have been absent because of an incarcerated/strangulated umbilical hernia which tried to kill me and for which I needed emergency surgery. The story is a great one of God's providence and care for me. It has done much to increase my gratitude for the simple blessings of life and I hope to blog all about it later. Right now I am exhausted and need to spend time mending. I was 4 hours in surgery, 5 days in ICU, 3 days more in the TU and have been home for about 24 hours. I need more rest and more time to reflect. I do not want to lose the significance of this blessing in my life. I don't want to go back to life as it was before. I want to retain this appreciation for my insignificance and my utter dependence on Him. As my physical strength returns I don't want to my faith to diminish. That and the risk of infection are my two greatest obstacles if God should lead you to pray for me.

Today my pastor preached from Philippians 3:1-11 . He unpacked verse 3 " for we are the {true} circumcision, who worship in the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh ,"(NAS) The entire sermon was encouraging and convicting and verse 3 stuck with me. Am I trying to place confidence in my own abilities? Is that the cause of my misery? While considering the possibility, this thought occurred to me. I am always prepared for crisis. I am the one you want to know when the hurricane comes, when the earthquake strikes and when your relational world falls apart. If you need to figure out how to get a mountain moved by noon, I am your girl. Why? There is a mechanism within me that works when everyone else seems to seize up. It is not something I set out to accomplish for myself. It is the way God designed me. I was talking with a group of women at bible study and remarked that I like earthquakes. Now, don't get me wrong, I hate that peopl...

I woke up today feeling weak. Not physically weak, though that often accompanies feeling incapable and unable to face the day's demands. I am talking about feeling spiritually weak. The feeling that I have great temptations and puny faith with which to resist them. Puny faith... Jesus was speaking to me when he accused his disciples "Oh you of little faith!" Only when I read that I think, "You think their faith is puny? You should see mine!" And then of course I realize He does see my faith. He is the author and perfecter of my faith. It's not like He is unaware or I caught him not paying attention. My Lord is not wringing his hands and wondering how to get me through today. As William Bridge put it; "Our victory lies not in ourselves and our own habitual strength, but in Christ's fresh assistance." It's sort of like the Greek philosopher Heraclitus pointed out, we can never step into the same river twice, the water is always being...