I jumped with a both feet from my Psalm 139 day into a day of ambivalence and deep thoughts that go nowhere. I would say it was a day of sheer profundity but I never quite got to the profound part. When you feel strongly both ways about something you generally spin your wheels and get nowhere. I visited nowhere a lot today.
I wish I could tell you the nature of my dilemma. Truth is, I am not in quandary over anything in particular. Today just seems to feel like I am taking a multiple-guess test for which I have not studied. I could speculate that yesterday was preparation for today but I don't feel prepared at all. I keep telling myself feelings lie and I must live in what is, not what might have been, or could be if I would just connect the dots appropriately. I need someone to number the dots so I can connect them and see the picture. Remember those from when you were a kid? I hated those things, they were lame. Anyway, back to me. I am thoroughly discombobulated and in desperate need for someone to come and combobulate me. Does anyone out there have the gift of combobulation?
One of the thoughts I had was how patently unfair it is that choices you make when you are 14 come back and haunt you when you are 50. There isn't a pro-rata formula for consequences. There should be. I was taking a call today from someone who spoke Spanish. Now, I know enough Spanish to tell someone to "Come out with your hands up!" There are times knowing that might come in handy, but as I haven't worked in any aspect of law enforcement for 15 years and haven't needed it to use that bit of Spanish once in all that time, it probably is worthless information. Almost as worthless as the 7 years of French I took. What was I thinking? Why did I take French? Can someone remind me why I thought it was a good idea? Can I have a do over? Or now that I am 50 something, can I get the consequences pro-rated? "Well, Rosemarie, we note that you made the hare-brained decision in junior high to study French instead of Spanish. Since we do not share a border with France and the French Canadians aren't leaving Toronto and crossing the border in hordes to live here, that decision is normally a 50 point deduction. However, since you were 13 and had zero adult guidance, we will pro rate that and that will leave you with a 40 point deficit." HA! I wish. I also wish that studying French for a total of 7 years was the biggest mistake I have made with my life. It doesn't even register on the Richter scale of mistakes made and it certainly doesn't register close to the areas of sinful choices I have made.
The older I get the longer the list of things I wish I hadn't done or had known more about before I did them, becomes. On one hand I know that everything in my life has come to me first from God's hand. Nothing bypasses Him before it's mine. So all the ditzy mistakes and sinful choices have combined to make me who I am and God's timing is perfect. On the other hand my inner monologue is screaming, "Why oh why did you choose to do it that way?? Were you outside of your head???" No, not outside of it, but certainly not using the parts that matter. Ever feel like you should have "Postage Due" stamped on your forehead? Or perhaps a declaration that says, "No moving parts." You know, one hat lights up with the doctor takes a light and looks in your ear thus helping him or her diagnose the problem promptly.
I do see God's hand on every aspect of my life. I can't hide myself from Him. Wherever I go, He is there already. It is fruitless to speculate or attempt to negotiate around that, to try to wish away consequences. I am just a mental midget with too much time on my hands and not enough sense to spend it wisely, considering the things that are.
Perhaps it's sleep deprivation or the new allergy medications? I feel like I am playing "A Beautiful Mind- The Home Edition." Just kidding. Do you see those people?