Skip to main content

Highway to Hell

My life is in need more than new material by Aaron Sorkin. I wish that a little cleverness and some great one-liners could make the sort of difference that might matter in my life. Imagine if sarcasm and wry humor could cure what ails me! I am really good at sarcasm. I know it's not that easy. I delude myself into thinking that there is some quick fix available for me if only I had the money to buy it or the ingenuity to create it. Perhaps what I need is the right person to care enough about me or the right doctor to prescribe the chemical balancing medication. While I am wishing, why not a fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and fix me or a lover to hold my hand in just the right manner. . . Anything but getting off my well cushioned backside and disciplining myself to change- especially if that discipline involves confessing that I am hopelessly unable and begging God to change me. I know it's the only efficacious way to change but I just can't want to do it.

I am wandering on the "If Only" Wilderness Highway. If Only I had some real, tangible faith to sustain me. If Only I had the desire to seek Him instead of my own comfort. If Only I could cultivate discipline. If Only the Lord would ..... well, you get the idea. The If Only Wilderness Highway doesn't lead you into the Promised Land. Hear that music? Yup that's AC/DC playing. The "If Only" Wilderness Highway is the "Highway to Hell."

I am discouraged today. I am disillusioned with myself, which on the surface sounds like a good thing but it is not. Being disappointed or disillusioned with yourself only means that you still think you can do it but are miffed or depressed because you failed. You cannot be both fully dependent on the Lord to change you and disappointed that you haven't successfully changed yourself. Being fully dependent on God isn't a state tinged with regret, shame or humiliation. It can't be. Full and absolute dependence on Him is resting in his perfect plan, timing, mercy and grace. (Romans 8:1, 1 John 4:18, Acts 13:38-39.)

Now before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, yes I know that we are supposed to strive and study to show ourselves approved. (2 Timothy 2:15, Hebrews 4:11, 2 Peter 1:10). I haven't gone Keswickian and joined the "Let Go and Let God" movement. What I am looking for that sweet spot where you study and contend; fighting the good fight and doing it while fully relying on God for the results. I am stalled out because I am willing to want it but not willing to work for it.

I need to come to the end of myself and fear what it will take to get me there.


Popular posts from this blog

Procrastination- Propaganda- Profundity

When I am studying something that bothers me, I do just about anything I can to stall. In doing so I stumble upon a lot of odd information. I love history and any student of history will tell you that most everything we are familiar with has had an odd beginning. Sometimes there will be different odd stories regarding the genesis of a myth, folkway or idiom. Somewhere in the mix the truth can be found. You just have to look.

While I lived in Australia I went to a visit a little town on the Murray River called Echuca. Echuca has a wonderful history and boasts the largest collection of paddle steamers in the world. It also has a coach house and carriage museum. It was during my visit to the carriage museum that I was told the origin of the expression to 'drop off to sleep.' According the docent, the carriage cheap seats were the ones outside and on the back. You had a platform to sit on and a rope or rail to hang onto for dear life. During a long trip a poor unfortun…

Sleep Snorkel Surprise

Summer colds. Blech! Is there anything more annoying that being too hot and having your nose run like Bridalveil Fall? Probably but nothing comes to mind right now. My nose is red and raw from all the sneezing and blowing and I have been using Puff's. Imagine if I had some generic sandpaper tissue instead? I could probably die from the pain. Death by runny nose rough tissue rhinoplasty.
I went to bed very early last night because I was feeling miserable. I have sleep apnea and therefore sleep with a bipap machine that keeps from crumping in my sleep. Now, I love my little bipap machine. I got it after my near death experience a few years ago when the nurses in the ICU turned me in to the doctor because I never slept. Once I was released from the hospital they sent me for a sleep study. I had to do it twice because they wait for you to fall to sleep and monitor your breathing in order to decide if you need a machine. Generally they try different types of machines and differe…

Super Church a song for the Emergent-sy

In the early 70s I was in a youth choir at my church. Our youth pastor was a musician and his way of connecting with us as a group was through the choir and music. Somehow there was an affiliation between him and The Continental Singers, New Hope and Jeremiah People. He was worked with Moishe Rosen of Jews for Jesus too, I think. Are any of these names familiar to you? Though I remember the church fondly I was a profoundly lost and troubled young woman during my years there. That and time have muddled the memories quite a bit.

Today I was digging through some old paperwork and one of the books to the musical we did. It's Getting Late For the Great Planet Earth, a folk rock oratorio by Cam Floria. Yes, that's right. Cam Floria put Hal Lindsey to music. There's a lot to laugh about and some to groan about but as I was looking through the songs and remembering, I found this little ditty and I only wish I could sing it for you. Just remember that this is circa 1972 and even the…