My life is in need more than new material by Aaron Sorkin. I wish that a little cleverness and some great one-liners could make the sort of difference that might matter in my life. Imagine if sarcasm and wry humor could cure what ails me! I am really good at sarcasm. I know it's not that easy. I delude myself into thinking that there is some quick fix available for me if only I had the money to buy it or the ingenuity to create it. Perhaps what I need is the right person to care enough about me or the right doctor to prescribe the chemical balancing medication. While I am wishing, why not a fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and fix me or a lover to hold my hand in just the right manner. . . Anything but getting off my well cushioned backside and disciplining myself to change- especially if that discipline involves confessing that I am hopelessly unable and begging God to change me. I know it's the only efficacious way to change but I just can't want to do it.
I am wandering on the "If Only" Wilderness Highway. If Only I had some real, tangible faith to sustain me. If Only I had the desire to seek Him instead of my own comfort. If Only I could cultivate discipline. If Only the Lord would ..... well, you get the idea. The If Only Wilderness Highway doesn't lead you into the Promised Land. Hear that music? Yup that's AC/DC playing. The "If Only" Wilderness Highway is the "Highway to Hell."
I am discouraged today. I am disillusioned with myself, which on the surface sounds like a good thing but it is not. Being disappointed or disillusioned with yourself only means that you still think you can do it but are miffed or depressed because you failed. You cannot be both fully dependent on the Lord to change you and disappointed that you haven't successfully changed yourself. Being fully dependent on God isn't a state tinged with regret, shame or humiliation. It can't be. Full and absolute dependence on Him is resting in his perfect plan, timing, mercy and grace. (Romans 8:1, 1 John 4:18, Acts 13:38-39.)
Now before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, yes I know that we are supposed to strive and study to show ourselves approved. (2 Timothy 2:15, Hebrews 4:11, 2 Peter 1:10). I haven't gone Keswickian and joined the "Let Go and Let God" movement. What I am looking for that sweet spot where you study and contend; fighting the good fight and doing it while fully relying on God for the results. I am stalled out because I am willing to want it but not willing to work for it.
I need to come to the end of myself and fear what it will take to get me there.