Ever feel as if God is not going to cut you any slack? I do. I think that right now He is making things very uncomfortable for me in just about every area of my life. I have been off work since the end of August because I tripped in my own home, wrenched my back and hurt my neck. I flunked 3 MRI's because of being claustrophobic. I finally got through one and then it took 3 weeks for my doctor to be able to read the report. I have some severe damage going on in my cervical spine and I have been referred to a neurosurgeon. I have an infection in my eye. I have two different dental insurance benefits and neither one of them will pay for the cleaning I had six months ago. I had my teeth cleaned today and found out that I need a crown and not one, not two, but four fillings. I haven't had a filling in 10 years and suddenly I need four. They are so small that the dentist says we could watch them. Watch them what? Turn into big cavities that hurt? My short term disability insurance hasn't paid me in over a month because they are trying to determine whether my injuries justify a claim. Hmm.... sciatica from my lower back injury and my neck hurts because my cervical vertebrae C3-C7 are collapsing, have severe narrowing and big bone spurs that require a consultation from a neurosurgeon....but am I really hurt?? If I am not back to work by 11/16 I will be terminated. I cannot go back to work without my doctor's approval....my next doctor's appointment is.... 11/17. Are you getting the picture?
It took me a very long time to find this job. I love the company, got in on the ground floor and was hoping this would be the last job I ever had. I can't sit for long periods, have a hard time typing, can't think straight for the drugs that are helping me manage the pain. I want to go back to work but also have to think of the best interests of the company. I write contracts. What better way to get out of a contract or challenge it than by asking if the person who wrote it was on drugs, you know? I don't want to be a liability for the company and don't want to lose my job. I need the money and don't want to injure my pride. I have never been terminated by an employer.
I know that all of this can be worked out but it requires slogging through and being willing to fight. I am medicated and injured and don't feel good. I don't want to have to fight. I want God to fix it all right now. I don't want to wait and I don't want to have to be broken to the place that the only fighting to be done is on my knees.
Last Sunday my pastor preached on Matthew and prayer. Prayer is an essential part of a believers life and he said something about how little children ask their parents for what they need without fear and without wavering. I realized something important. I was always afraid to ask my father for something. I tried very hard to be invisible. Perhaps all God wants is for me to quit trying to be invisible with Him and do what He's commanded. Make my petitions known, pray without ceasing...come boldy before His throne.
I wonder what it would be like to willingly respond to Him? I hope to find out even if it is only once. I don't think it is practical or advisable to try and feign invisibility with God.
7 "Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you.
8 "For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it shall be opened.
9 "Or what man is there among you, when his son shall ask him for a loaf, will give him a stone?
10 "Or if he shall ask for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?
11 "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!