11 December 2009

Uh-Oh....I am Afraid to Depend on God

Things are piling up on me. Bad things. Things that want to make me miserable. What sort of things? Well here's a look at some.

I lost my job. I didn't lose it because the company downsized or because my performance was substandard. In fact, the company I worked for did everything thing they could to accommodate me. They offered an extension of sick leave and I couldn't in good conscience accept. I knew I couldn't be back to work in the time they could give me and their busy season is coming. There are lots of able bodied folks who need jobs and it was patently unfair of me to ask them to hold my position when I knew I couldn't come back. You see, I lost my job because I have injured myself and cannot physically perform the duties required. In August I tripped, fell, tried not to land on my adorable doggies and did a number on my back. I also aggravated an existing injury to my neck. The lower back is a bit better but the neck... well... it's not so good. The neurologist says when it hurts enough I will beg him for surgery. I am not to the begging stage...not yet. I am terrified of having surgery on my neck.

I asked my physical therapist what sort of work she thought I could do based on the type of injuries I have. She responded by saying, "Well, certainly nothing that required prolonged sitting or standing, no lifting, no repetitive movements with your arms, nothing that required you to hold your head in a particular position for any length of time..." We discussed my limitations and neither of us could think of work that could be modified enough to make me employable. I am still working on it though. I don't anticipate I will find an answer, but I am not ready to give up.

I am having a difficult time keeping my chin up through this. I have bills to pay and though I have been blessed to have short term and long term disability insurance, the short term ended in November and the long term folks are reviewing my paperwork to see if my injury qualifies for long term disability payments. Of course this being the holidays it's not a great time to have a cash flow problem. It wasn't the best time for me to go out and buy a bed either, but I did.

For the last four years I have been sleeping on a mattress and box spring on a rolling metal bed frame. My bedroom floor has laminate flooring and I am a restless sleeper. Every night I toss and turn and manage to open a gap between the pillows and wall between 6-18 inches. I tried using door stops, furniture cups, plastic stoppers and a wool rug to keep the bed in place. During the night I would lose my pillows as the bed started its migration to the other side of the room. Once I woke up with my body halfway on and off the bed...headed to the floor where the pillows were waiting for me. The nightly ritual had become more and more annoying to me and more and more detrimental to my back and neck. So much so, I determined to buy a bed but couldn't find the perfect bed I was looking for without having to purchase the entire bedroom suit. I only needed a bed. In desperation, I found a bed that was on sale, whipped out my credit card and purchased it. It was delivered today.

My beautiful and amazing young niece came and helped me prepare for the delivery. It was good to have her share the moment. I love her. She's fun and bright and witty. I absolutely hate that I had to ask for help. I am too young to be so disabled. I put off calling her to ask her for help because I wanted to think of ways I could do it myself. I couldn't and it made me both mad and sad. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I decided to be grateful I had Lauren to help me and to remember that having a bed with a headboard and footboard is going to solve a huge problem for me. The bed is here and I am doing the happy, happy, joy, joy dance! It is wonderful! The bed firms up the mattress for me too which is going to feel great on my back. Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles! However my joy lasted about 30 minutes. As I walked Lauren out to her car, I picked up the mail. The mail contained an invoice dated in 2007 for a bill I didn't know I had and had a hand scrawled note that said, "THIS BILL IS TOO OLD! IT NEEDS TO BE PAID!" It was signed by the guy who used to cut my lawn. The guy who hadn't bothered to bill me nor show up to mow my lawn on a regular basis. With that the happy dance morphed into the war dance. I had 8 or 9 curt and terse responses rough drafted in my brain in less than 30 seconds. I was a woman wild with anger and then it hit me.... the oh face moment where I got to see my character flaw. I hate it when that happens.

I don't know what it is about where I live but getting a lawn service to actually come and cut your lawn on a regular basis is like pulling teeth. It's not something that is particular to me, it's a problem for most folks who don't have their own riding lawn mowers. I came here from CA and had no need for a riding mower for my apartment. If you have ever wondered why nearly everyone in KY owns a riding lawnmower, it's because the lawns grow at an astounding rate and our yards are bigger and unfenced. If you don't have one or the means to buy a good one, you hire someone to mow for you. For the last 5 years I have been totally dependent on someone else to help me get the lawn mowed. It's been a fight with each of the three different companies I have hired and now my young neighbor does it for me. I digress a bit.. the important thing for me was to realize was that I just don't like having to depend on anyone to get something done. The bill the lawn service sent me over the edge because they hadn't billed me before and hadn't showed up to do the job they said they would! I had to hire someone else... making me feel more and more vulnerable and more and more dependent....and then the note they wrote...that was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. All the bubbling fear, anxiety and frustration came to the surface and my faithless heart was revealed.

I am back to dancing the happy dance now. I know I have to trust God and be dependent on Him to pay my bills, help me find a useful occupation for my time whether paid or unpaid, and help me decide if I should have neck surgery. Heck, He will be the one keeping me from running amok on the lawn service guy too for that matter. Here's the important part of this rambling post: The reason I am buffeted by life is that I am afraid to depend on God. Not trusting God is a serious and sinful condition to be in, one that requires repentance and remediation.

Galatians 6:9 And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.

Hebrews 3:14 For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end;

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;

Hebrews 10:35-36
35 Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.
36 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.

1 Timothy 6:6-7
6 But godliness {actually} is a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment.
7 For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either.

Perhaps my next post will be on what that remediation looks like.

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