02 March 2010

Uncharacteristically Yours

I want to depart from what is normal for me to blog or talk about. I want to talk about feelings. My feelings. Normally I would rather eat dead frogs than talk about feelings, especially my feelings. If you know me, I don't trust you. The random folks who happen upon my blog by google or providence I don't give a rip about. They can't hurt me. It's you who know me that scare the life out of me. Your words, spoken or un, have the ability to hurt me in a way too personal to avoid. I don't want you to have that power over me.

I have always thought that there was something special about me. Something that nobody cared to find out. I like going on treasure hunts in the souls of others. I see gems and I see the dross but the gems are what I am looking for... they are the reason to go deep with someone. I have longed for someone to want to go deep with me and help me find those tiny gems I am fairly certain are in there. That's the special thing I am talking about, I don't mean that I am extraordinary. I just think there is something worth finding out about me. That's all. Ever see Girl Interrupted? I relate to Angelina Jolie's character when she admits to knowing how to push people's buttons and demands to know why no one has ever tried to push hers. In her sociopathic mind she was frustrated because no one cared enough about her to find out where her buttons were. She wanted to be known. To know and be known.... me too.

Created in God's image I am like Him in that I desire to know and be known. Unlike Him, I am trapped in my sinful flesh and the very things I do to reach out are the very things that open me to the most criticism, fear or pain. I fail miserably at trying to live a life of being both invisible and seen. Of being needy and being independent, of running both hot and cold. That's the thing with sin and the whole sanctification process. My sin keeps me from being able to give you a map to where the gems lie in my soul, I need the very people who frighten the life out of me to help me dig them out. Go away! I need you! I say both those things in the same breath then close my eyes and hope you only heard the latter or will ignore the former.

I have said before that feelings lie and they do. Jonah slept peacefully in a boat going in the opposite direction from what God had just instructed him. His peaceful feeling let him sleep when his life was in danger. My feelings tell me to run away from anyone who might get close enough to hurt me, and then they make miserable for running. They push me to do things I wouldn't recommend you do. Outrageous things. Lie, cheat, steal, murder by gossip, expose too much, give too little... fear the things that would heal me and embrace the world tightly; allowing my enemy to trick me while I pretend to be on guard for him. I would hate my feelings but they are as much a part of my soul as my logic. No man really hates his own flesh.... I am no exception. I do hate that they get the best of me.... or keep the best of me hidden... or both.

For today these feelings of mine are raw. I want to be ticked off about it because I want to live in logic and continue to ignore them. God doesn't play fair though. He knows what lies in the dark and hidden places and He brings them to light. Why I am writing this? I don't want sympathy or pity. I am really very good at throwing my own pity parties. Confession? Maybe. I hear it's good for the soul.

Uncharacteristically yours,
rosemarie


Hebrews 4:12-16
12 For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
13 And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.
14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
15 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as {we are, yet} without sin.
16 Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need.
(NAS)

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