Skip to main content

When Hope is a Four Letter Word.

It's always the little things that send me over the edge or down the deep dark hole. I work so hard to make sense out of my world and keep my little silver ball in play that when a little anomaly blips on my radar my response is to flip wildly through my emotions and tilt out. Game Over.

Today I had a doctor's evaluation for a disability claim. I have degenerative disc disease in my cervical spine, bulging discs and osteophytes or bone spurs. I am in pain 24/7. So, why did the doctor evaluating me ask me to do squats? I feel a denial letter and an appeal in my future. I don't have the strength for either. Don't worry about tomorrow, right? It will take care of itself? Right? So why are so many tomorrows dog piling on my today and making me miserable?

I am working up to a full blown crying fit. Is it the pain? Is it the medication for the pain? Is it the pernicious anemia? Is it my faithless heart? Is it a wicked cocktail of all that and more? Probably. Is there anything I can do about any of it? Probably not. Oh sure, tell me "Just have faith!" so I can feel like there is one more thing I am doing wrong.

How about we top off the day with a little reading about the value of being a wife and a mother so I can have a little salt thrown into some fresh wounds? Maybe a good cry will get the poison out, maybe. Who knows? I am afraid to hope.

Proverbs 13:12
12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
(NAS)
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Procrastination- Propaganda- Profundity

When I am studying something that bothers me, I do just about anything I can to stall. In doing so I stumble upon a lot of odd information. I love history and any student of history will tell you that most everything we are familiar with has had an odd beginning. Sometimes there will be different odd stories regarding the genesis of a myth, folkway or idiom. Somewhere in the mix the truth can be found. You just have to look.

While I lived in Australia I went to a visit a little town on the Murray River called Echuca. Echuca has a wonderful history and boasts the largest collection of paddle steamers in the world. It also has a coach house and carriage museum. It was during my visit to the carriage museum that I was told the origin of the expression to 'drop off to sleep.' According the docent, the carriage cheap seats were the ones outside and on the back. You had a platform to sit on and a rope or rail to hang onto for dear life. During a long trip a poor unfortun…
1 comment
Read more

Sleep Snorkel Surprise

Summer colds. Blech! Is there anything more annoying that being too hot and having your nose run like Bridalveil Fall? Probably but nothing comes to mind right now. My nose is red and raw from all the sneezing and blowing and I have been using Puff's. Imagine if I had some generic sandpaper tissue instead? I could probably die from the pain. Death by runny nose rough tissue rhinoplasty.
I went to bed very early last night because I was feeling miserable. I have sleep apnea and therefore sleep with a bipap machine that keeps from crumping in my sleep. Now, I love my little bipap machine. I got it after my near death experience a few years ago when the nurses in the ICU turned me in to the doctor because I never slept. Once I was released from the hospital they sent me for a sleep study. I had to do it twice because they wait for you to fall to sleep and monitor your breathing in order to decide if you need a machine. Generally they try different types of machines and differe…
1 comment
Read more

Super Church a song for the Emergent-sy

In the early 70s I was in a youth choir at my church. Our youth pastor was a musician and his way of connecting with us as a group was through the choir and music. Somehow there was an affiliation between him and The Continental Singers, New Hope and Jeremiah People. He was worked with Moishe Rosen of Jews for Jesus too, I think. Are any of these names familiar to you? Though I remember the church fondly I was a profoundly lost and troubled young woman during my years there. That and time have muddled the memories quite a bit.

Today I was digging through some old paperwork and one of the books to the musical we did. It's Getting Late For the Great Planet Earth, a folk rock oratorio by Cam Floria. Yes, that's right. Cam Floria put Hal Lindsey to music. There's a lot to laugh about and some to groan about but as I was looking through the songs and remembering, I found this little ditty and I only wish I could sing it for you. Just remember that this is circa 1972 and even the…
8 comments
Read more