08 March 2010

When Hope is a Four Letter Word.

It's always the little things that send me over the edge or down the deep dark hole. I work so hard to make sense out of my world and keep my little silver ball in play that when a little anomaly blips on my radar my response is to flip wildly through my emotions and tilt out. Game Over.

Today I had a doctor's evaluation for a disability claim. I have degenerative disc disease in my cervical spine, bulging discs and osteophytes or bone spurs. I am in pain 24/7. So, why did the doctor evaluating me ask me to do squats? I feel a denial letter and an appeal in my future. I don't have the strength for either. Don't worry about tomorrow, right? It will take care of itself? Right? So why are so many tomorrows dog piling on my today and making me miserable?

I am working up to a full blown crying fit. Is it the pain? Is it the medication for the pain? Is it the pernicious anemia? Is it my faithless heart? Is it a wicked cocktail of all that and more? Probably. Is there anything I can do about any of it? Probably not. Oh sure, tell me "Just have faith!" so I can feel like there is one more thing I am doing wrong.

How about we top off the day with a little reading about the value of being a wife and a mother so I can have a little salt thrown into some fresh wounds? Maybe a good cry will get the poison out, maybe. Who knows? I am afraid to hope.

Proverbs 13:12
12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
(NAS)

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