21 July 2010

The Post I Would Rather Be Writing

I wanted to write about the shameful way Shirley Sherrod has been treated by most of the media. (If you are unaware, read and follow links here, here and here.) I am outraged that an edited clip of something the woman said decades ago was all her boss needed to force a resignation from her. I wanted to talk about context and growth and how times have changed. I wanted to point out that although I am not a racist or a homophobe, things I said 25 years ago might lead someone to believe I was, simply because the common vernacular has changed and what was acceptable then is no longer considered politically correct. I wanted to write right here and now that I condone neither racism nor homosexuality but think that media is far more dangerous than either of those topics simply because "We the People" tend to believe everything they write or show us.

I thought I would like to write a post about how I blame "We the People" for the failures and glories of our nation. I wanted to talk about the sociologist who says that men who disclose to women that they do not want to have children should not be held responsible for child support when a baby is conceived. In our rights driven society, We the People have allowed some pretty ridiculous laws and rules come into existence. Like if a man and woman have sex and a child is conceived, the woman has full rights to decide what happens next. If she decides to have an abortion the man has no say and can be forced to pay for the procedure. If she decides to keep the child, the man has no say and gets to pay child support. (No wonder the sociologist is championing the rights of men and some think it noble for her to do so.) If a pregnant woman is injured and loses the baby, the person at fault for her injuries may be held responsible for manslaughter or murder charges....but if she decides to kill the baby with abortion, she can make the father pay for it but he cannot charge her with manslaughter or murder of his child. A woman can decide because a baby will be handicapped abortion is the best choice for her (and her baby).... and our society agrees with her. However, if the baby survives what mom thinks about the child being handicapped... We the People will reward the baby with money, federal rights and special parking privileges.

There are an endless number of topics I would rather be writing about today. Instead I need to write about what a feckless, faithless coward I really am. Yesterday I wrote about my dilemma and whether or not I should ask for a check I am expecting but has taken an inordinate time to arrive, should have a stop payment placed on it and a new check should be issued. I talked about waiting one more day before giving up and having the stop payment issued. I really talked a good talk about being content regardless of whether or not the check arrived. Talk is cheap. Blog talk is no exception.

My roommate went out and got the mail. The long expected check was not there. However, Netflix had managed to issue new DVDs to us in record time. She suggested the insurance company could contact them and see how it is they manage to get us movies so quickly. It was funny, but I wasn't laughing. Instead I was realizing in horror that the bills I had entered into Bill Pay and had extended the date they should be paid well past the time I knew the check would arrive... had not been edited when the check had not, in fact, arrived. And so... they would not only not be paid but I am looking at bank charges for forgetting to take them out of queue in time for today's mailbox disappointment. I think I was in shocked disbelief that God had allowed me to be so stupid and has seen fit not to provide me with the anticipated funds.

I swallowed hard and told myself that this was God's way of telling me to go ahead and stop payment on the check and have the next one reissued. I hadn't lost my mind yet, but I was close. I called the insurance company, determined to be pleasant and ask for the new issue. Of course the person answering my call was a different customer service rep from the day before. She informed me that I had to wait two full business weeks before she could consider the check to be undeliverable. That would move the date to July 23rd and would put the insurance company exactly two months behind in payments to me. When I protested and said that's not what I had been told yesterday she said, "I apologize for their error. This is the policy."

I wish I could tell you I was content to hear those words. I wish I could tell you that I thanked her profusely and hung up the phone a happy, hopeful woman. If I did that I would add lying to my lists of sins and character flaws that came to the forefront at that moment. I did manage to thank her for her time but my heart was saying, "Why do you hate me, God?" I started down the pity path... and had to put the brakes on hard. My roommate found me sitting in front of my computer, shell shocked. I started repeating to myself, "My God is good and loves me. He has not forgotten me. I have a home to protect me from the storms outside. I have food in my refrigerator and the lights are on. I have a great church. I have dogs who love me."

I know this lesson with refine me. I know that because of my past I expect abandonment. I know that my tendency is to stand up and say, "See? This is proof that You do not love me either." I also know that emotions lie. I wanted to be real with you, my few and most appreciated readers. I truly hate being refined. Right now I don't care that it's good for me. I think it is reasonable to be paid on time and hate that I am now late with payments of my own.

I would rather be writing that I fulfilled my objectives of responding like a godly woman. Instead I am confessing to you that I did not. I am working on it, but it hasn't happened yet.

James 5:16
16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.


The Squirrel said...

Praying for you!


* Squirrel hands Rozie a coffee and a cream-cheese danish.

Victoria Lynch said...

Every once in awhile the anxiety level goes off the charts here too. I have experienc3d that almost daily as I have feared Bill's heart going out of rhythm again.
Thanks Rozie for sharing, I am praying for you today.