If I had to describe my life right now I would say I was a bit like playing Chutes and Ladders or maybe Chutes and Chutes. The higher I climb the farther I slide down. I am being hammered on all sides. I am fragile, but the pounding continues and I am not breaking. I want to. I want to be shattered into a million little pieces instead of receiving the constant taps with the sanctification hammer. The point is not to be shattered but to be bent and molded into a useful shape. That's not how it feels. It feels like I am being destroyed....bit by bit I am disappearing. To be sure, parts of me are disappearing during my sanctification. That's the point of being refined. Getting rid of the dross to purify the gold- leaving more of Him and less of me. As a Christian, why on earth would I have a problem with that? Because at any minute of any given day I value myself more than I value God.
I have fleeting moments when I know that God is the best thing ever and that I am one blessed woman that He deigns to care for me. Those moments usually come as I am being delivered of some distress that was way out of my control. The brief "oh!" face moments when I know that I know...and some miracle of mercy and grace has been plunked at my feet. Shortly after those moments pass, the feeling fades and I am right back to being the most important person and holding the most important opinion in my life. I enjoy singing the "It's all about me!" song.
I am not utterly and completely delusional. I know there are many who are smarter and better able to grasp and synthesize information. I read their books and listen to them speak. I admire them but ultimately it's me who will give weight to what they are trying to teach me. I will form an opinion on whether they are right or wrong and decide what if anything to do with their information once I have it. This is why God must beat me with His sanctification hammer; to prove to me that I am not, in fact, in control. I am not perfectly in tune to His will; to right and wrong nor to good and evil. In fact, I am tone deaf.
Back when my hands used to work I played guitar. I even took classes. I remember one time sitting down before class to tune my guitar. It was a small class of rank beginners and each time we met the instructor would grab each of our guitars one at a time and strum them once. He'd quickly manipulate the tuning pegs, strum them once again and hand them back with a declaration that they were in tune. Arriving early to class one night, I worked and worked on tuning my guitar. If you have never tuned a guitar, there is a whole process you go through that involves plucking two strings at once. You want to hear even tone. One note- the same note. When out of tune the two strings will make a sound that fluctuates or waivers. It took a while but I got them all nice and clear, one strong, unwavering tone. One note when both strings were plucked. I waited, happy with myself, for the instructor to come to me, Finally it was my turn. He picked up my guitar. He strummed once and much to my delight he said, "Class, listen up for a second. He strummed again and said, "Hear that?" I sat trying to look humble. "This is a perfect example of a guitar that is in tune to itself..... but is way, WAY out of concert tuning." As if my humiliation weren't complete, he walked over to a piano, struck a note, plucked a single string and said "Whoa! Hear the difference? Way, way off."
Concert tuning? What the heck!?! I was too ignorant to know or realize that there was a standard to begin with and that unless I knew the standard, the beginning note, I could tune all I want to no avail. I was too ignorant to know the difference. I figured tuning the guitar in relation to whatever sound the first string made when plucked would be enough. The instructor had to work harder to tune my guitar than he did for anyone else.
Unfortunately I've spent the majority of my life being in tune with myself. I like the sounds I make; the opinions I form; the things I value. I hate it when the Master Musician picks me up and adjusts my strings; when He refines me. I hate the hammering and stretching. I resent the changes necessary to bring me into concert tune. As much as I like myself even I can tell when tuned properly... I make a more pleasing and beautiful sound... even if it's just for a moment.
Romans 8:3-8
3 For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God {did:} sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and {as an offering} for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh,
4 in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
5 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.
6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace,
7 because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able {to do so}
8 and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
(NAS)
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