rambling rosemarie

This morning I had to sit and and fill out multiple forms for my disability insurance. It's physically painful to sit and write, especially long hand. What was more painful was listing all the things I have lost the ability to do. Adapting to your circumstances and finding solutions to the problems of not being able to do what you used to do is important for your mental well being. I can't make the vertebrae in my neck healthy again. I can't make my sciatic nerve happy or the arthritis go away. I can manage what I do and how I do it. I want to be able to contribute to live and society and have to learn how to do that within my physical limitations. I have to learn to adapt my house to be manageable within my physical limitations. I think I am going to start blogging about those tricks I am learning and hope to hear from others who have learned some simple adaptations that have helped them manage their lives. It would be nice to have a place to trade those secrets. ...

The day before yesterday I reached down to grab my roomie's study bible and completely destroyed the uneasy truce I had with the pinched nerves in my neck. Zowie! I had electric shocks go all the way down one side of my body and instant muscle spasms. She and I were the only ones that knew that had happened. Yesterday I got a call from Sue, the secretary at my church, and she told me that someone had made an anonymous gift to me and that I would love it. I had been talking myself out of going downtown to run errands but found the idea of someone giving me an anonymous gift way too intriguing. I went down and presented my perplexed and anticipatory self to Sue. Sue had a big grin on her face and handed me a bag which contained a Kindle. I was dumbstruck. I have been contemplating getting a Kindle since they first came out. I kept telling myself to set aside some funds to make the purchase. My funds, like those of most in this economy, seem to be shrinking daily. Each ti...

Suddenly I find myself worthless. I was pretty much minding my own business, running some errands and without an ounce of warning the thought popped into my head that I am worthless and I can't shake the idea. The damned thing pounced on me as stealthily as any prowling mountain lion. I didn't see it coming. Some folks get to have brilliant thoughts. Mine are ambush predators. Tapes that play over and over in my head, coiling themselves tighter and tighter. Each time I try to take in a breath of hope, they constrict. What is it about me. Do I seem to be the weakest of the herd? Do my thoughts turn on me because they see me as an easy target? Am I bent on self destruction? It seems if the right button is pushed I begin going through the index system of experience to find proof they are valid. I must be worthless. Abandoned as a child, unmarried, unloved, unwanted. Those certainly prove I am not worth having around. What have I accomplished? Nothing. What will I acc...

Ever notice that things tend to go wrong at the worst possible time? My dog never gets sick when I have a few extra bucks in my pocket that aren't spoken for. He gets sick when my check engine light is on, my semi-annual payment for car insurance is due, the bills for the endoscopy I had at the hospital are coming in and my kidlet is unemployed and could use some help with groceries for my ridiculously cute grandson. My take on that phenomenon? Sometimes the worst possible time is ultimately the best timing. I have mentioned before that I love earthquakes. I love severe weather. I like it when lightning strikes so close by it makes the hair on my head and arms raise slightly. I love it when the rumble of the earth moving wakes me up in the middle of the night. I like to see the rain come down in sheets. I don't like it that people get hurt or lose their property. I am not sadistic. Having lost all I own in a flood I know the feelings of emotional bankruptcy that come with th...

I am conflicted in almost every thought I have. Today I thought I would keep track of my contradictory thoughts and write them down here. Yes, this is a random post. Were you expecting profundity from me? Ha! Today I was in a store and I was annoyed by the lack of service I was receiving. The only words spoken to me by the checkout person as I stood in line, purchasing products that ensure he will be employed I might add, "Thirty-two forty-seven." That's it. That's the sum total of conversation and acknowledgement of my existence. I slid my ATM card through and because it prompted me to press the keys indicated, I didn't have to say a word to the young man. He handed me my receipt and as he was walking away, I think, think he said "Thanks." I couldn't swear to it though. My groceries had been tossed into the plastic bags open and ready to receive them with no more care than the care I employ when I mindlessly toss something into a waste bask...