27 December 2011

Small Moments

Here's the thing. Sometimes, in an effort to convince myself that I am spiritually sound and full of faith, I ignore things that bother me. Do I think it's a good idea? No. Do I think that I am fooling people? Some of them, yeah I am. Do I think that God is unaware? In the moments that precede my doubting His existence I am certain of it.

Today life is crashing around me. Today I have no more internal space on my hard drive to archive the emotions. They are spilling down my cheeks and calling audible plays in my sobs. I am cuss out loud miserable.

No freakin' answers from me. No comforting verses. Today I don't even want a do over. I just want out. Sad part is I have no where to go. So I will shed some more tears, drink some more coffee and try to put one foot in front of the other as I pace the confines of my home and hope for reason to prevail.

The trouble with being single is not having someone to tell that you're on the edge. The trouble with blogging about it? There is no one to slap the histrionics out of you and tell you to get over yourself or hold you and tell you it's all going to be OK. The good part about being real in a blog is that somewhere there is a Christian who may stumble upon this and recognize a piece of their puzzle and not feel alone. The only thing worse than feeling this way is believing that no other Christian ever has been so miserable. Certainly to feel this destitute you have be a complete failure in your faith.

Yeah, even people trained in biblical counseling have moments of spiritual poverty. Poverty? Make that bankruptcy. Good thing my salvation doesn't draw from my personal account. Wait, I wasn't going to give answers was I? See that? I can't even feel sorry for myself correctly.

I feel better already.

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