It's me, Rosemarie. I'd say something clever like, "I guess you're wondering why I am writing" but your omnipotence sort of makes that a silly way to start things out, doesn't it? It seems a bit odd to begin a letter with adoration that you, Almighty God, deserve. Perhaps I could have a do-over?
Dear Almighty and Most High God; Creator of all that is and ever will be; God of Abraham, Isaac and Moses; The One who provided manna in the wilderness and split the Red Sea; The God who turns the hearts of men and who provides the only way of salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord; God of the insignificant likes of even me,
Yeah, while that salutation is a more fitting way to address You, it doesn't roll off the tongue that easily and I haven't begun to scratch the surface. The more I start to list the more I realize I am leaving out. What's really overwhelming to me is the invitation I have as a believer to address you in a far more intimate fashion. Grateful, I think I will go with it.
I am miserable and I am ashamed to tell you that. It's not like you don't know it. I know you do, but I have to tell you. I have to come clean and admit that despite all you have blessed me with, I am a malcontent, albeit one with a sense of humor.
So yesterday, as you know, I declared it "no conflict day" no internal or external conflict would get to me. Clever of you to let me find the ants had invaded the dog food only moments after I made that declaration. I mean, really, what better way to test me than to have those itty-bitty annoyances come inside my house, go under my sink and penetrate the plastic container with a locking lid to get at the dog food I had to drive 100 miles round trip to get and for which I paid a hefty sum. Good one. Not to mention giving me a dog that only eats that food and plunking me in a town that, despite having multiple pet stores and establishments that hawk dog food in all shapes, sizes and flavors, no where can I find grain free Nature's Recipe in the kibble size for small dogs. Also, You know I hate it when you put me in a situation that measures my heart and behavior with my words. Did I pass the test by eventually realizing that you also orchestrated my buying two bags of the food, and coincidentally purchased two larger, more secure containers to hold my dog and cat food? Did I remember to thank you for only allowing the ants to get to 1/3 of a bag, because that's all that would fit in the old container? Or that if I had to have a dog whose system only seems to work right eating this particular food, that she only requires 1/4 cup of it two times a day?
I have some other grievances I would like to bring to the bargaining table. Well, I know I can't bargain- it's just an expression, right? Far be it from me to try and strong arm the God of the Universe. I'll get right to the point then, shall I? I am lonely and you need to change that for me. Wait! I forgot myself. Please, no lightning bolts! How about, I am lonely and I am begging you to change that for me, please? Let me tell you what I am thinking and then we'll let the negotiations start, OK? I am thinking it's high time you sent me a marriage prospect. I know I am old, I know I am fat, but those are things that shouldn't matter when you consider all that I could bring to a potential life partner. Wow! Don't I sound like a bossy cow? Sorry! Here's my case.
First of all, my very stubbornness and selfishness would be an excellent catalyst for a man's sanctification, don't you agree? Imagine all the ways a man would have to seek You and to exercise Christ-like love if he had me for a wife? He would have to be in your word day and night to be able to cope with me and my shenanigans. Wouldn't that be a good influence on me, too? To see someone striving so hard to live his faith, well even the likes of me could be inspired by that sort of behavior. Yes, if you're going to do this, you'll need to make him a man with good theology and lots of patience.
Secondly, I am a good cook. There are a lot of Christian men out there who could use some good food. Here in Kentucky, I could probably save a man's life by introducing him to food that hasn't been fried or doesn't contain a pound of butter. In exchange for his patience and kindness to me, I could unclog his arteries with vegetables! What a deal!
Thirdly, I have a modest income so I don't need someone with Ted Turner's bank account. Not saying that you should exclude men with money from my list of potential suitors, but I know it has to get old with everyone asking for a handsome, millionaire. So, someone with a good work ethic would be nice. If he's retired and also has a modest income, maybe you could make him handy around the house. This home you've blessed me with is in need of minor repairs that cause major drainage to my funds. It would be nice to have some help with that in exchange for a good meal and some concentrated sanctification. I see it as a win win partnership!
I have a couple other traits I would like to order. Mr. Right should be an avid hunter so my brother-in-law has someone to play with. He should share my taste in television and movies because what good is a man who won't watch The Walking Dead with you? At the very least he should be willing not to complain about it if I am willing to be quiet about sports and hunting shows. That isn't to say that I commit to being willing to be quiet about such things, but it's a possibility. It would be great if he had a job that took him out of the house for a few days at a time. Maybe something in disaster relief or emergency management? I can relate to that. Or perhaps something where we both get to do a bit of traveling?
And finally, he must have a great sense of humor. Not only to put up with me but my family is a bit wacky too. You have to be kindhearted, quick witted and have a great sense of humor to get by with this lot. Oh, and please, no one named Mike. With two brothers named Mike, a brother-in-law named Mike and a sister who has three brothers named Mike, it's time for another name. Of course that's not a deal breaker if Mr. Right happens to be named Mike too, just saying some variety would be nice.
Well, it's time for me to sign off and clean up the bodies under the sink. Have I thanked you lately for bug killers and ant repellents like cinnamon? I am appreciative of them, no matter how much I grumbled about having to use them yesterday. Is it wrong that I enjoyed watching the ants freak out when their little feet touched the cinnamon? I'll repent about that if you want me to. It's up to you to change me and/or my circumstances. Ultimately I know I can trust you. You have orchestrated the events in my life as only a sovereign and kind God can. I am weak which makes it so difficult to really trust.
Your sometimes faithful servant who, if I am to be honest and I might as well be you know when I am not, only likes serving You when it's fun and convenient,
PS. Could you make sure my readers know that the change of font is significant to the real prayer I am sending up? All the rest of the gobbledygook is meant to be a humorous albeit painfully honest look at my twisted thought life. Psalm 56