rambling rosemarie

There is a storm blowing in. I have the living room windows and sliding glass door in the kitchen open. I've been sitting in my recliner reading as the cool air gets sucked through the house. I love this time of year. I love open windows and fresh air streams. I try to imagine what a layer of smoke would look like being drawn across my more than pudgy frame. It makes me laugh. Perhaps I am round to reduce friction loss and/or wind resistance? That's it. I am not fat. I am a science experiment in domestic aerodynamics. I had the makings of a migraine from hell today, so I amped myself up on caffeine and gave myself my weekly vitamin B12 shot. I may never sleep again, but when I do, I will crash hard. I wish I could condense this energy into a laser like focus and actually accomplish any of the 15 or so tasks I am juggling. I am easily distractable when I am this wired. First I thought it would be great to clean out the freezer and in doing so I found some chicken that wa...

I have a confession to make. I am a bit strange. I know, I know, I have a flair for the obvious. I had planned to drive to a big city and do some shopping but my body isn't up to it. That made sort of sad and then I had to find another way to look at it. I never want to be one of those old folks who do not know when to give up their keys. Today my hands are numb and I don't trust myself to drive. It's sort of an answer to prayer for me to be unable to drive because my hands are numb but my mind is not. I am still able to make good choices about the safety of others on the road with me behind the wheel. That is important to me. I don't want to be so mentally compromised that I put myself in the role of executioner by driving. Pity party postponed indefinitely, I hope. I have to admit I have had the weirdest things pop into my head today. Like what? I am so glad you asked. Ever notice that there is a correlation between the number of distractions you encounter an...

You don't know me. I do everything in my power to make certain the part of me that you get to see is honest but not as vulnerable as you might think. I am an expert at dangling just enough information about myself to make you think you know me. Like a fly fisherman casting a lure, I make familiar ripples in the streams of your soul and you take the bait. My intent is to catch and release. I want to catch your attention and be released from any responsibility. I want to be recognized but not known. I want to have my cake and eat it too. You don't know me. You don't know what my fears truly are- no more than you know my hopes or dreams. I would never risk telling you. You may think you know. You may think you have me all figured out but I live alone behind the door to me. The security system is in working order. You can come up to the door and look through the windows but the deadbolt is going to remain in place. No robin will come show you the hidden entrance to my secre...

My dogs do not like the rain. When the grass is wet they have no desire in the world to go outside. So on this gray and rainy day, one of my favorite combinations in the whole world by the way, imagine my surprise when the doggies I normally force to go outside in the wet weather were gone a full 15 minutes. They have a wireless fence and respect the warning sound they get before the buzz to check their forward motion kicks in. Usually vocal about wanting to come in, I assumed they were sitting on the porch waiting for me to get around to letting opening the door. Then, being an anxiety ridden clown, I began to panic thinking that they had escaped the fence and were out on the highway about to be run over. As dramatic as that sounds I live at the end of a cul-de-sac with nothing but vacant lots past my house. Not a lot of traffic there, you know? So, telling myself they were alright, I went to the door and called them. I heard nothing in response. It is never a good thing when ...

Turns out Huey Lewis and I have more in common than I do with Venus Williams. I do not have Sjogren's Syndrome. it seems part of what my body wants is a new drug. I have been taking the old anti-inflammatory drug since 1990, 3 times a day, almost every day. Is it any wonder my body has had enough of it? Wednesday was rough as a Brillo pad on sunburned skin. I had to stop taking one drug to start taking another. I wasn't in withdrawals but I was cranky with pain. Yesterday I thought the new drug was going to be a failed experiment, but perhaps I needed to give it a week or two to introduce it to my body. I had a headache (no caffeine) I was dizzy (new drug) and woke up in pain (no taking old drug before bed). Sometime in the late evening my sister called and we discussed all things sisters discuss. I told her I had reservations about the way the new drug made me feel but had to admit that in the evening the dizziness had warn off and my body hurt less to move. Not so mu...

What do you do when you know something is wrong with your body and yet all the tests provide no definitive answer? I can open my mouth and show you the sores in it. I can show you where my tongue has turned color. It's not cancer, it's not a stain. It's a mystery. I can show you the rash on my face. It is not lupus. It is not rosacea. What is it? Why does it accompany extreme fatigue and joint pain? You can see my eyelids are red and angry looking but antibiotics, ointments and eye drops don't make it go away. My guts aren't working properly but it's not colitis, Crohn's, not a h-pylori, but they are inflamed. Why? What do you do when you don't know what you're fighting? You rejoice. I am a saved woman. It's all good after that. You pray. Pray for patience. Lord, help me cope with these annoying and often debilitating symptoms as befitting a woman of God. And please, let the doctor changing my medications be a step in the right direct...

God saved my life yesterday afternoon, which isn't really surprising because He has and will do that all day every day that He's ordained me to be here. In my sinful presumptiveness I take that for granted. Occasionally He makes it obvious that He is keeping me safe. That's what happened yesterday. My sister and I drove to Lexington and did some shopping. She goes up every week to visit her father and I go up once every couple of months. Occasionally things work out so we go together. It usually means we'll laugh, end up in tears at least once and ask each other exploratory questions. She and I were separated when she was born and reunited about 19 years ago. I moved to Kentucky as a result of her instigations . We are in many ways alike and yet very different. It's fun to find those things out. My sister, Karen, has a fear of traveling by car. She's come by it honestly and it seems without fail, each and every time we drive somewhere Karen's very ...

Trust me, if you can visualize what I am about to relay to you, you will laugh. I want to assure you that it's OK. I think it's funny too. Now it is funny. Earlier this morning? Maybe not so much. I suppose when you start to laugh could have some implications but I truly think if you don't laugh I would be more worried about you. I'll leave that up to you to decide. Yesterday was a gold star day for my accomplishment journal. I pulled some of my fall and winter clothes out of the back closet, laundered them and sorted them. May not sound like much but using my hands is what aggravates my neck injury. Reaching up to hang things in the closet or to bring them down from the rack is also painful. Along with the pinched nerves in my neck that compromise the use of my arms, I have had carpal tunnel syndrome for the last 18 or so years. I have ignored the clothes in the back closet for almost 3 years so I was ever so proud of myself until about 2am. At first I though...

Accomplishment Journal: I made lasagna for my BFF to feed her moving crew. I cleaned part of my kitchen. I complained bitterly about not being able to respond to an urgent request for volunteers from the disaster relief folks I joined. Wait...that's not a positive thing.... scratch that one off the list. I uh.... huh... I am pretty sure there was something else I did.... but I can't remember. None of it is "refrigerator material." Well, the lasagna went in the fridge, but nothing to proudly display on the outside. All that said, it was a good day interrupted by the occasional pity party. I'll send out invitations to the next one if you'll all agree to kick me in the backside when I start feeling sorry for myself.

Back when I could work for a living, which seems like forever ago, my employer paid a long term disability insurance policy for me in lieu of paying for medical benefits. I was blessed to have good insurance through my work in public safety. God's providence in that is the only reason I have maintained an Internet connection, food in the fridge, car insurance and can purchase the gas to drive the silly thing. I am grateful for the policy. I try to remind myself of that when I have to fill out the scads of paperwork they require from me to document my disability. It really does take an emotional toll to have to write over and over again all the things you cannot do. It also piques my sarcasm. I want to write things like, "I will never be able to participate in yak racing again" or "just the other day the pain in my neck was so severe I realized my days of being a casteller are behind me." I am not sure they would appreciate my humor. It's what I do t...

Yesterday I had an appointment with the autoimmune/rheumatology specialist I have been waiting to see. He played connect the dots with my symptoms. Hair falling out? Check. Eyes dry? Check. Mouth dry? Check. Skin rash? Check. Exhausted? Check. Muscles hurt? Check. Joints swollen and painful? Check. Gastrointestinal discomfort? Check. Who have I seen? Opthamologist who diagnosed me with blepharitis. Gastroenterologist who diagnosed me with Barrett's Esophagus. Internist who has diagnosed me with 'borderline' diabetes and pernicious anemia. Oh and multiple bouts of candida infections on or in just about every part of my body. Pulmonologist who diagnosed me with sleep apnea. This is not to mention the findings of sciatica and a few bulging discs and bone spurs pinching nerves in my neck as a result of an accident. He takes in all my complaints, looks at all my prior blood test results and says I am in the right place. My body is having autoimmune problems and all thes...